Posted by alexandra_k on January 26, 2014, at 17:23:44
In reply to Re: Attachment Theory?, posted by alexandra_k on January 26, 2014, at 17:09:44
but the point is: that it needs to be my choice.
instead of it being that they give me an approved list... (i've been very bad already in having completed a masters thesis in a verbal subject, but of course no surprises now, no surprises at all that i didn't finish my phd)...
why can't people just support me in doing what i want to do?
if i'm not a good fit for medicine then why can't it be that I discover that. in other words, that i discover that i don't really want to do that, that instead there is something else that i'd rather do. why can't it be like that.
whereas instead it is like there are little things that they are like 'oh well of course you would be good at that' (like the math. the genius hypothesis. which SUCKS *SS because it totally disregards HOW HARD I"M WORKING. i mean, sure, i get it helps people feel better about themselves 'i just wasn't born a genius' instead of getting to face up to the fact 'i could have been terrific at any one of any number of things - but i just never got off my *ss and worked particularly hard at anything over a sustained period of time'. i don't know where the motivation / drive comes from. i do suspect that it is more about that... but whatever...
the point again...
i want the opportunity to do med. whether i decide to pursue it or not. same for engineering and.. whatever.
the attachment thing... if you get some peace and help from it, then that is good. i... found my therapy (attachment focused) to be... largely traumatic. not in a 'triggering of the past' sense. but in a 'overwhelming in the presence' sense.
if i have a brief moment of eye contact with a passing stranger on the street... i have a photo image of their face burned into my brain (it feels like)... superimposed on my current vision... for at least 30 seconds. it is... very capturing of my attention. i can be at risk of stepping out in front of passing cars because i can't see much of what is actually going on in the world.
can you see how a walk up the street can be exhausting? especially someplace like university where most people are so friendly... squeels... that noise that teenage girls make when they greet each other... continues to resonate in my ears like that, too.
there is a certain extent to which desensitisation occurs... and the amazing thing is that when there truly is something... like an alarm that stuns most people... the constancy of the noise frees up my thinking...
but i'm... wired up different from most people, i think.
i can relax around a person sometimes. but this is very special. i do like eye contact intimacy sometimes. but again, that is very special for me. it isn't something i like doing with strangers. and people who DEMAND it from me (who simply won't leave me alone unless i give it to them / who turn on me when i don't) are dangerous people for me to be around. i need to be protected from such people / i need an escape hatch from them.
i refuse to think of myself as broken anymore.
i've looked into the biology... the evolutionary theory... and the justification isn't there. people can appeal to 'evolutionary dysfunction' as much as they like and it is b*llsh*t. they have no power over me.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058503
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20131211/msgs/1059581.html