Posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2013, at 18:50:29
so...
i heard that docs etc used to be surprised how some patients would seem to deteriorate on admission rather than seeming better. i guess the idea was that people should seem better in the relatively protective environment. with the removal of responsibilities.
but then they thought that it wasn't surprising, really. sometimes people hold it together because they have to. and then when they don't have to any more they can allow themselves to collapse.
i guess the idea is that the collapse is part of the progress. the collapse is good. the break... then allowing the person to improve / encouraging them to... whatever. till they are functional again.
is it, though? or does the collapse... is the collapse... not good.
i'm not sure that it is good for me to work with a t. mostly i am fiercely independent. but that is really fragile. and behind it is this helpless dependency that terrifies me. one that is extremely sensitive / vulnerable. and... helpless, really. total collapse... and therapists always want to get to that. but then they hurt it. and it never is safe. it never will be. it can't be. because it needs too much. so really... what is the point of even going there?
so... therapy is always a battle of them wanting me to get to this place... and me knowing that it isn't safe for me to get to that place. and even if i was the richest person in the world and i could afford the very best care in the world from the very best practitioners what would my ideal treatment look like? what do i want? to live in a hospital for... how long? years? forever? working from there? really?
what the f*ck do i even want? i don't know.
i think... part of the reason why i wanted to get out of philosophy is that i worried i was too unstable. couldn't deal with the stress. the deadlines. my inability to structure my time. to make steady progress (instead of sporadic bursts of all off / all on). what is to become of me? i'm scared.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1049633
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130807/msgs/1049633.html