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Re: Psychobabble Reunion

Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2013, at 19:45:39

In reply to Re: Psychobabble Reunion alexandra_k, posted by Homely Cygnet on August 9, 2013, at 19:12:37

> I used to be so sad to get up in the morning and read posts from you before the deputies or Bob got up an erased them all.


i am sorry. i didn't mean to cause you to feel distressed. i suppose the idea was for me to cause bob or whoever i felt had hurt me to feel as distressed as i did. then they would see that they had the power to change it. then... well... they might change it.

of course that doesn't make any sense. but insofar as my action had sense or reason... that was it.

and there was collateral damage... and of course i didn't succeed in (my dubious goal) of inducing the relevant hurt in the relevant parties anyway. and... well... their severely hurting me was probably collateral damage for something else...

and you get cycles of people hurting people hurting people hurting hurting people and a whole bunch of hurt.

i'm sorry for my part in your hurt.

i think... i hope... i believe... that i've progressed from that place. and i'm not likely to return. not least because i am more resilent... i don't think i'll be as dependent on these boards as i have been at certain points in the past... and also because i think the lengthy blocks had a lot to do with how many posts there were on the boards... and... i don't imagine that babble will get that busy again.

my mother was over-involved and extremely emotionally reactive. around her... i needed to be transluscent and her emotions needed to animate me... then i'd be her punching bag for everything and anything she didn't like about herself. it was confusing... so confusing for me...

my dad... was transclucent. you could be light and kind and sensitive and gentle and warm and inviting and... you could reach right through him like a ghost. it was like there wasnt anything... wasn't anyone there. nothing in there. he'd died inside long ago. apparently his first wife cheated on him and left him. left him devistated. he kept pictures of her. she was beautiful. i only learned when i went back home when he was dying. i realised... he kept pictures... he died back then. or maybe he died even earlier than that who the f*ck knows.

i don't feel like many people get me. this is hard to explain... there are different levels of getting... or being understood. i... feel that bob gets me, and perhaps that i get him like i really don't feel for very many people in this would. i could count those people on one hand. on less than half of one hand... i'm not sure why. probably partly a right kind (and there are a few - my last t got me and he was fairly non-verbal) of blend between having stuff going on but not being intrusive about it... and an ability to see... i don't know. i don't know what it is.

yes i do. because he can contain me. i can't kill him. or hurt him sufficiently to deform him, break him, result in his retaliation. at least... that is my story. and i'm sticking to it. insofar as the retaliation thing goes... i blame that on the boards being unweildy.

and there it is.




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