Posted by Dinah on January 10, 2012, at 9:10:01
In reply to Re: Bad title, posted by emmanuel98 on January 9, 2012, at 21:20:07
> Oh god! What we want want want from therapists. It's funny. I love my SW. She is really competent. I trust her completely. I am grateful to her. She has really, really helped me with a level of depression and suicidality that I (and she and my p-doc) was convinced was going to kill me. But I don't love her. If she disappeared tomorrow, I would be sad but not heart-broken. If my p-doc disappeared, I couldn't handle it at all. I have nightmares where I come to his office and find someone else there who tells me he has had a heart attack or stroke, but won't tell me whether he is alive or dead. I dream that I call his office and there is no voicemail. I dream that he has retired and didn't tell me.
I had those fears as well. I used to push my therapist for details of who would contact me. What would happen if he died? What would happen to me? He said he hoped I'd come to his funeral. I said I wouldn't, because the widow really should be the most distraught person at a funeral and it wouldn't be fair of me to go and have hysterics. It's become an in joke between us, but I'm not sure if he understood really.
> Maybe it's because he is the first person I ever truly trusted. Even my husband, who I love, can be harsh and hurtful and I felt I needed to show strength and independence with him -- that those are the qualities I had which he respected. For some reason I let go of all that with my p-doc. I think I had reached such a deep bottom that I latched onto him as someone safe, in whom I could confide. So I told him things about my f***ed up life that I had never told anyone before. He was so kind and supportive and attentive. It felt like having a loving parent, something I never had had.
What a wonderful experience you have had with him. Something many people never get to experience. I hope you can take that gift and wrap it away no matter what happens to your therapist. He's not going to reject you, it seems like. So if he ever "leaves" it won't be his choice. Of course, I know how hard that is to do in practice.
I tell my therapist (and he does believe me) that I'm like a duckling. He was the person I saw when I hatched and he's really and truly imprinted on my brain as "mommy". I could (possibly) have other therapists. But I couldn't have another mommy.
> I don't know. I don't know what to do with all this emotion I have for him. I am grateful for his boundaries in a way. If he were less careful about this, I would have destroyed my life and marraige for him. But sometimes I find those boundaries so painful. I want him to need me. I want to take care of him. I want him to love me.
> He says he does not love me in the same way I love him. That he does not need me in the same way I need him. He asks, what would that be like if I did? How could this work? And I get his point, but I can't seem to accept this fully.Perhaps his boundaries need to be a bit looser about self disclosure. If you could see your therapist as I see mine, it might be easier for you to accept what you have with him. It might hurt less that you don't have more. My therapist is far better as a parent within the office than he is out. That's likely pretty common. (Sorry, therapist's kids.) I really do think that on some level my therapist's actions are geared to helping me see him as a real person. He always has had a knack for doing what needs to be done at the moment.
But I wonder if I'll lose the capacity for magic in the process.
poster:Dinah
thread:1006771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20111220/msgs/1006871.html