Posted by Dinah on September 17, 2011, at 9:01:19
In reply to Re: When he's good he's very very good. » Dinah, posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 0:21:52
In this particular instance, I think trust played little part in my leaving him. If he hadn't corrected the problem, and if it hadn't continued to be corrected, I would have gone to one session and left again.
It really is a credit to him and to years of therapy. At one point I would have clung to him no matter what. For whatever he was able to give me. At this point in my therapeutic life, I know I deserve better. I deserve a therapist who doesn't struggle to stay awake in nearly every session. I deserve a therapist who can be present in sessions. If he can't be that therapist, then I'm no longer so needy as to stay.
It's not like he was groggy a week or two. It had been months where it had gone from a minor nuisance now and then to a major problem. A problem so pronounced that it was borderline funny.
It's hard to trust again after that. I think it takes a while of it not being a problem before I can trust again. Or maybe I should trust in some ways more easily because he was responsible enough to (eventually) fix the problem. But perhaps still not totally trust that he will stay fit and able to do therapy.
I spoke to him about it yesterday. I asked what he thought the difference was, because I appreciated that he had been more wakeful this summer than he had ever been. While this winter and spring, he wasn't awake enough to be a decent therapist. I thanked him for doing so well this summer. He said he wasn't sure. That he knew it was true. That one new client left after one session and he was sure it was because he couldn't stay awake. He said he was heavier than he'd ever been in his life, and that while he had gone into a weight loss program during this period, he may have been exhausted by all the exercise he was doing. He was waking up very early to go to the fitness center and do vigorous exercise. He says he is also making a point not to take 8 a.m. appointments, and that he thought that was making a major difference.
I know I haven't gotten inherently more interesting. Perhaps the contrary, as I'm holding back more than I used to be because I am not yet entirely trusting him again.
Whatever it is, I told him it was working and I appreciated it.
I also told him that I was thinking of bringing a small soft foam ball to therapy - not to throw at him if he falls asleep as he initially thought. But something to bring him, or me, back into the therapeutic space on those occasions where we aren't as engaged as we ought to be. He thought it was a great idea.
But it was a major and real problem on his part that kept him from delivering even the basic minimum standard of therapy. It was right of me to leave, and it would have been right of me to continue to stay away if he hadn't fixed it.
I deserve better than that.
poster:Dinah
thread:996790
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110823/msgs/996990.html