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Nutritionist: Update and Transference

Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 2, 2011, at 16:38:41

I thought I would just share how my meeting with the nutritionist went. I feel like I am always sharing on here how bad everything is, but this is somewhat (mostly) good news to report. She was really kind and helpful. We talked about my eating problems for the past 8 years (it feels really weird to say that-- it seems longer than I thought). Then we sat down and she wrote out a schedule for me. You know, it seems really counter-intuitive-- to get up in the morning and eat a pretty decent size meal and then snack and then lunch. Usually I start with a small lunch and that is it. I am going to give this a try. I am going to step out and try to make a change.

This was a good meeting, I think. But, a couple of things happened in our meeting that worried me and made me think of therapy and feel a hint of rising distress again.

First, I told the nutritionist that I am meeting with a therapist but haven't shared much at all with him about my problems with eating. We have talked about it a little, to be sure-- and he knows about it. But, we haven't focused on it. I told the nutritionist that it was hard for me sometimes to share with him. She said, you need a therapist with whom you can share. *But I think she misunderstood what I meant. I share a lot with him; but some things evoke such feeling of shame and embarrassment for me, that I have trouble sharing them with him.

It is weird that I can sit right there and share things with a complete stranger that I have not been able to directly tell my therapist for months. My therapist has mentioned before what he thinks is that the dynamic of my relationship with my mom that is replaying itself in our sessions-- merging and then pulling back, fear of smothering or distance, push/pull, ambivalence, wanting to share and wanting not to share, absence, longing. I think he is right on target. My intense in sessions are not explainable logically. They are emotionally saturated and I do experience a real terror, a real merging, a real love in sessions-- it feels like it goes to the center of my being; it feels primal.

So, when the nutritionist unknowningly (not knowing my situation and all the details I am sharing here) suggested today that maybe my therapist is not a good fit if I am having that much trouble sharing, I have to just think she is wrong. I really think that my therapist is the perfect fit for me. I think it points to the great skill of my therapist and the good fit in the therapeutic relationship (the precise attunement) that I am so markedly re-experiencing the feelings I used to feel and still feel with my mom and other authority figures. I should count it a gift, a treasure, and a key to my healing.

Sure, is hard for me to talk to my therapist about bingeing. But it is hard to talk to my mom about it; in fact, I don't think I could *ever tell her. The same embarrassment/shame feelings are present in both. But I am going to push myself to talk to my therapist about it.

I could talk to a stranger about it today, but I felt no connection to her. Nothing to lose. Not really much or any shame. For some reason that seems strange, but it makes sense.

My connection to my therapist makes it difficult to share; but I think that the connection is more important and that as I work through this stuff and heal, it will be easier to share.

All of this seems so strange. It makes me feel like I am spinning in odd dimensions. Is it called transference? And it is important, right?

One more thing:

I have this problem in sessions about time. I find myself watching the clock constantly and worrying about time passing. Consequentially, I am not present in our conversation. Today in the nutritionist's office, it occurred to me that I hadn't even thought about the clock. I was engaged in our conversation-- mostly fully present and real. If I could only do that in sessions, I think I would be getting somewhere much better. I need to try to forget about the clock.




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poster:Annabelle Smith thread:978558