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worse before better?

Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 18:42:37

I am sorry to be writing so much on here, but I feel so torn apart-- anxious, grief, worry, rumination, ache, lonely, and hopeless. The main word I can think of is unresolved. I need to make it just less than two more days until my next session, but then, I will be out of town at home for at least 3 weeks. My therapy is constantly interrupted. After having 2 and 1/2 months of therapy last spring, it was interrupted for 3 months for the summer and then another 2 1/2 months with complications.

Here is what I NEED to know: I have always heard that there is a therapeutic process and we must trust this process. I think I am in the process, but at an initial point where I have gotten worse. I am so attached, obsessed, dependent, and in a state of over-idealization that I can't get better. How can I make this stop??? I have tried to read and think my way out of it, but that doesn't work. Ways that I used to use to make myself feel better-- like certain ways of thinking and rationalization-- don't work anymore because I am no longer independent; I am now merged and dependent. I literally feel like a toddler waiting, dying, for her mom to come home.

I think that working through this could be an essential path to my healing; however, the problem is that I don't have time. I graduate and leave this city in May. I think my therapist took me back knowing that this was the case-- he probably wouldn't want to work longer. It is just that he is the only person who can help me. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better, but I think that really means sticking to this process. I just don't have time! I have no words to express how terrible this makes me feel-- like death.

I have regressed in this therapy to the point where I am not independent. I feel all loss of control; my "self" feels like an empty mush and I can't integrate my experiences. I am so afraid when I leave in May, this therapeutic relationship is going to be the culimation of every unresolved feeling and unintegrated experience-- and there are so many that I get lost in them; these are the many, many things that I need to share with someone, have reflected back, accept and know them as real. It is nothing but a set-up for greater feelings of loss, grief, and the unresolved things that already haunt me.
And there will be no one to share this with.

What can I do? Please, please tell me what to do. How do I make this stop? How do I speed up the process? This is urgent. I am going to talk with my therapist about this first thing at our next session. I feel so awful and trapped. I feel like I am doomed to leave therapy and feel more lost than I ever was before-- and yet doomed to my previous faults of being the isolated, awkward, and messed up person I am; except now, even what little good there was-- independence-- is gone.


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Annabelle Smith thread:973459
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/973459.html