Posted by Dinah on July 4, 2010, at 11:23:45
In reply to Re: 'You're Harmful!' » emilyp, posted by violette on July 3, 2010, at 18:18:09
That this seems to be just the sort of situation that was being discussed to begin with. Maybe before Dr. Bob gets involved, we as Psychology Board posters could show him an example of "I" phrasing.
In my experience both in therapy and on the boards, there are ways and ways of saying something. Not only for the sake of civility, but for the sake of having the person addressed hear and consider what you're saying. My therapist always says that there's no point in his saying something if he doesn't do it in a way that a client can really hear it.
Even if you (global you here) think you're right, and even if you're feeling hurt, it's possible to express all of those things while doing so in a way that is respectful and civil to all, and better yet, one that allows the other person room to hear and act. Oddly enough, sticking to I phrases and avoiding blaming others is not only civil on Babble, but it's also more effective.
If you can say it in such a way that it doesn't induce defensiveness, the chances of that person hearing the meaning of the words goes way way way up.
Here we have a situation where three people feel less likely to post here, and that with absolutely no input from Dr. Bob. I have faith in Psych board posters, that the thoroughly therapized can put that therapy to use in what can be an environment to try out things we learned in therapy.
I'm not addressing this to anyone on this thread in particular. I'm addressing it to the situation that has developed here. What would your therapist have you do here? What is the healthiest way to put what we've learned in therapy into practice? Was there any way the perceived truth could be expressed in a way that the hearer was more likely to listen?
This is a chance for the community to really decide if we want Dr. Bob sweeping in to keep order, which is a perfectly fine decision in my opinion. Or if in cases where there are misunderstandings and harsh words among those who had good intentions, the board would rather handle it themselves.
And if the board decides they'd rather I keep my mouth shut and let Dr. Bob handle it, that's fair enough. I know I'm sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong.
It's just that I care about all of you.
Verloren, I hope that you stay and feel free to discuss anything you want to discuss here. Anywhere there are people, there will be words that hurt. No one here means any harm to you, and everyone is trying in their own way to be helpful, I think. If a way isn't helpful to you, it's ok to point that out. Or if it could be helpful, but you think you've gotten the point, you can say that too. Civilly and respectfully of course. I think Emily was trying to help, based on her own experiences.
Emily, I hope you stay. I enjoy your point of view, and diversity is important. I do think Babble runs the risk of being one sided sometimes. Trying to help others here isn't something you should avoid just because it isn't always welcomed, although certainly it helps others even more if your point is made in a way that others are more likely to take it in. Please don't leave. It's terrible, but I can't quite recall the circumstances of your own therapy experience. I'd like to hear about it.
Violette, there are some other links I have on DBT about effectiveness. I gave you some earlier on mindfulness? I'd like it if you stayed around and we could continue our talks. I think I've bored people silly here, and would be glad to have someone to talk to.
poster:Dinah
thread:952821
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100529/msgs/953240.html