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Re: Just what Exactly IS wrong with me? (LONG) » Verloren

Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2010, at 0:02:28

In reply to Re: Just what Exactly IS wrong with me? (LONG) » Dinah, posted by Verloren on March 2, 2010, at 15:16:22

No, not far afield.

I always feel sort of embarrassed when I say it aloud. But sadly, it is sort of true.

A couple of months ago, I was under a whole lot of stress, not sleeping well, and overcome with anxiety. I was having thoughts of hurting myself, but they were just that - intrusive thoughts. I didn't think them worth mentioning to my therapist because I was dealing with him. One day I said it in passing and he said something like that my saying I was having those thoughts helped him understand how bad I was feeling.

I got angry with him. I told him that was absolutely the worst thing to say to me. That I needed to be able to feel that I could say to him that I felt really really bad. That I needed to feel that he would take that as seriously as if I had said I wanted to hurt myself. Because otherwise I'd feel like I needed to feel and act self destructive to have him really understand how bad I was feeling.

He said that of course he understood that. And I think we worked out a code word that I've now forgotten. But it kind of illustrates the kind of scenario that leads to escalation. Fortunately I feel comfortable enough with him now to have that kind of conversation, but how many people have that level of comfort with their therapists?

I had a realization once a long while back that I shared with my therapist, and it made a big difference in therapy. It came in the form of a line from a children's book that I had read often as a child that came to my mind and just wouldn't get out. "I can bite and kick and kill. I will do it yes I will." In the story, it turned out that the big monster was just just a lamb that was trying to get help for the can stuck on its leg. Not really a monster at all. That was a pivotal point in therapy. It helped him understand and it helped me understand. Sometimes he still even softly repeats the line, or at least the best version he can remember of it. Not to laugh at me, but to remind me that sometimes when I'm feeling vulnerable and unheard, I feel the need to shout.

I know I'm lucky to have a therapist who is willing to talk this all out with me without sticking labels on me. If he had kept resisting and putting up boundaries, I would have felt the need to shout louder and louder. Instead, we've found other ways to communicate.

I don't know if this therapist is capable of doing that or not. But some therapists are.

 

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