Posted by Nadezda on December 13, 2009, at 11:58:30
In reply to flip flopping from aware self to sick self, posted by deerock on December 13, 2009, at 10:14:58
That happens to me when something really important gets stirred up in a way that I'm using (for unconscious reason) self-detructively. I'll have a very strong reaction to something that someone does, that's extremely important or meaningful to me. I don't really understand why I get set off, but the form it takes is like what you're describing.
Sometimes I feel that the person has "done" something, and is "causing' or intentionally acting so as to evoke, my reaction; other times, I think I'm sort of reading things into the situation and the other person hasnt' done anything at all. Then my reaction just seems like my personal craziness and I get really upset that it's all just in my head, and that I"m trapped with this craziness that I have.
Looking at it later, these things seem like terrible emotional tangles I get into, that can't ever be resolved-- but the real issue is the out-of-control feelings that I have-- ie the intensity of my own reaction-- not whether it's "justified" or not. Life throws up lots of dislocating or uncomfortable situations-- but it's having equanimity and being able to handle one's own feelings that matters-- not who did or didn't cause them. It's really that you live in two such contradictory and unstable realitiers at all that's the problem.
So I'd really try to give up on the question of whether you or your T are in the wrong, so to speak-- and focus on how to work on not having that reaction-- whether your T let you down, or whether you were pushing her away in a scary fashion. All of us can be scary, needy, demanding, hurtful, etc-- or whatever we're focused on-- and our Ts can let us down, act hurtfully, be rejecting or insensitive, say the wrong thing, etc-- also. That's how people-- and life-- is.
It's hard to talk about this-- but it's called "splitting" in the psychodynamic world--. It's seen as having extreme and unintegrated ways of seeing yourself or others or situations, as all-good or all-bad--as being unable to find a middle ground where all are both, and therefore not dangerous, or ideal-- And in this middle ground, you don't need to protect yourself from dangerous others-- or fear yourself as a terrible or bad person.
I don't mean that rationally you can't see that eveything isn't all-good or all-bad. Rationally we all know that. But some of us emotionally can't experience that=-- so we move from idealizing people to seeing them as dangerous, or callous, or actively malicious, or deeply incompetent.
I don't for example thing your T handled this wonderfully. But I also wonder if you weren't over time, and perhaps leading up to telling her your fantasy, more scary than you realize. Your calm itself might have been scary-- if you'd been actively very angry in recent sessions. She might have taken that as a sudden shift into really having an intention, as opposed to just raging without real will to act. She might have momentarily thought you could even act on your fantasy-- or at least given in to the fear that you might. But every T will let you down sometimes. Every T has weak points, blind spots, makes bad judgments about handling delicate and explosive situations, etc.
So it really is,as you were saying several posts back, a question of fit. Is this therapist, with her particular limitations, the right one, the "good enough" one for you. She doesn't need to be all knowning, all kind etc-- just good enough to help you work things through for a better life.
You did a consult, and that T thought it made sense to go back-- but you are the ultimate authority. You'll know your own answer, if you look into yourself. You, after all, are the only one who can know.
Try not to blame yourself for flip-flopping-- or her for not being exactly the T you needed at the moment. (Or maybe she was.... you never know.. sometimes the moment when a T lets you down is as helpful as when s/he comes through for you with flying colors... Therapy is like that.)
If you can make a commitment to her-- you'll flip-flop again, I'm sure-- it takes time and struggle to work out of these deep issues-- but if you stick to it and the work, through the flip-flops-- with her or with a male T, or another female T-- you'll make progress. In time, it can become less and less-- and you can become more clear in your own mind, and more fully yourself.
It is scary when it's happening, I know. I hope you feel calmer and less in turmoil soon.
Nadezda
poster:Nadezda
thread:929077
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/929083.html