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Re: weirdest thing tonight...

Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2009, at 15:05:48

In reply to weirdest thing tonight..., posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2009, at 14:45:27

here's the f*ck*ng crazy thing... if he had at least done a convincing display of being okay with just being friends... then... i would have shared my bed with him okay... and then... the next morning... he would have met a whole bunch of other people here. he probably... could have convinced some of them to make him bacon and eggs... or at least got a decent pot of coffee out of them... i certainly would have made him a decent coffee...

so... what is up with that?

i mean... am i so dispicable as a person that i'm not worth knowing unless you get to f*ck me (and i'm really not counting at that at all working in my favor) or what???

At the moment i'm going with the 'not in your life' hypothesis. i mean... mr man may have thought i was a candiate for a time... but my smoking and (more to the point) my absence of exercise thing... affected him conversely...

at the moment i'm going with the 'you might think you love me / want to f*ck me' hypothesis but...
'you don't really know me / my body' hypothesis. i'm also thinking that... i can change my body / my attitude towards myself (that admittedly is really very unattractive) but that... why the f*ck should it matter? i mean... it does. in the eyes of others. and indeed in the eyes of myself. but why the f*ck should it mater? i mean... if someone doesn't love me no matter what then how much do they love me really? but then... i'm starting to like my body in a way that i really didn't before... so how much can i hold that against someone???

upshot: humanity sucks. if i feel like it then... i guess it is okay... but my body is a comoddity - i mean really... how much am i fooling myself in thinking that others view it as anything but???

it is a commodity and you cannot afford the price = my self worth.

i hate me. i suck :-(




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