Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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back to it

Posted by alexandra_k on July 26, 2009, at 0:04:47

i think they have been talking about me. or maybe he has been reading here. probably the former. things that weren't so clear to him before have become clear. we have a regular time on mondays now. and he said he wouldn't make a promise that he couldn't keep but that he was looking into the possibility of another time becoming available in another month or so, too. so things are ticking along, i guess.

it is kind of hard because i don't want to guilt trip him or anything like that. guess we are looking at moving on from here. i did fall apart because i felt abandoned, though. pathetic, huh. can't function when i don't feel like someone is there for me. hospital was helpful because it felt like the doctors there were there for me during that time. helped hold things together and get me working etc.

it is kind of worrying how dependent i am. worrying especially since i need to be fairly mobile and with each move there really is no guarantee. guess i just need to have some kind of faith that someone will pull through for me wherever i go. that never used to be the case but i guess i've learned a lot now about what sorts of things to say or do to increase the probability of that happening. learned (in some respects) how to be a 'good patient'. one can't present with 'abandonment falling apart' instead it needs to be something like 'flashbacks and fear that i'll hurt myself in a dissociative state'. one needs ones symptoms to morph into something currently accepted as 'legitimate'. though they were sympathetic to what was going on, i guess (though the registrar was having a little bit of a hard time, i think). i don't know. guess i just have to have faith. there isn't anything else to be done.

cleaning up my computer today. trying to compile a list of all the dissertation related stuff i've done. big integration / merger coming up and then i get to see what i have to work with. will be heartbreaking leaving a lot of it out but i guess there isn't much else to be done. i'd really like to have a full draft out in 6 months. then 6 months of negotiating with supervisor / panel and rewriting / editing etc. trying to get out more publications if possible...

i can't even remember what we talked about last week. early childhood stuff, i guess. have the narrative all sorted out because i've told it so many times. doesn't feel real now. know a lot of it isn't terribly related to reality (i'm really bad with locating what happened to a particular year). talking about moving, i guess. moving schools and how i have a hard time fitting in to new social groups etc.

for as long as i get postdocs / research funding in philosophy i'll stay put. once that runs out (as it most probably will) then the plan is to go to medical school. i think that the latter will be financially feasible but guess i should look into it a little more. the chair of my committee thinks it is a wonderful idea (terrific - i'll need a reference from him at some point). he is trying to encourage me to stay in Australia, though. i guess i'll have to look into whatever benefits citizenship might confer. still think this particular place in NZ is my best bet... but should look into it more, i guess. ticking along... still feel... fragile. but i guess that is life (mine anyway). constant. how long can it take a mac to secure empty 18.000 items? jeepers... back to it...




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:alexandra_k thread:908593