Posted by Dinah on June 26, 2009, at 22:24:24
In reply to Re: Need help reframing, posted by pegasus on June 25, 2009, at 20:43:24
> Oh, man, if rules are only rules if they aren't broken, then there are no rules for anything. But I see your point about it being confusing if there were no consequences for breaking the rules in your family. But I also wonder if that's really completely true. Did nothing at all happen to your brother when he didn't live up to the expectations your parents communicated? I mean, maybe they didn't punish him, but did they ever express any disappointment? Or something more subtle, even? Like did they ever mutter sideways about people who don't carry their own weight or whatever? Those are all consequences of broken rules too. My mom used to put on this long suffering act whenever we didn't live up to her expectations. All while she'd say things that seemed supportive and accepting.
There was no muttering involved. They yelled at him something awful. I guess there were consequences, but neither rules nor consequences was unspoken. :)
>
> Maybe it would be more helpful for you, though, if you thought of these things you're trying to identify as "expectations" instead of "rules". It seems to me that that's the essence of what the exercise must be about. I mean, I think it must be about figuring out what messages your family sent you about life and families. It totally could be messages that you rejected, then or now. Or things that you've internalized so unconsciously that you can't even see them now.I definitely think you're right. I'm getting too hung up on the terminology and not thinking enough of the purpose. I still find it difficult to think of anything. My parents were so... open.
>
> The question about *why* this exercise has been assigned at this point still seems open to me. I wonder if it might be a sort of passive aggressive, petulant response to your saying that therapy wasn't fresh anymore. Or maybe that's my own projection.lol. I think there was a bit of petulance involved. And a stubbornness when I rejected what he had offered. But he got over it by the next session. I don't know if he doesn't hold a grudge, or he has a very bad memory.
I on the other hand may still be a bit passive aggressive in my doing the assignment.
I think it mostly was that it was all he could think of at the moment. My therapist is more foolish than vindictive I think.
He totally redeemed himself in my eyes today. I was upset about my mother, and about some other stuff. I got to the end of the session and started crying because I really hadn't had a chance to talk to him at an emotional level. I'd gone on and on on a more intellectual level. He offered to let me come in tomorrow morning, and when I resisted messing up his weekend told me that his wife had an engagement and it was no trouble to meet me. Then when he checked and found out he was wrong, she didn't have an appointment, he kept the offer open. It was darn nice of him, but of course I didn't take him up on it.
poster:Dinah
thread:902818
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/903394.html