Posted by Daisym on June 23, 2009, at 0:50:25
I started a new group -once again specifically for sa - with the same therapist I've been in group with before. There are more people this time, which is hard for me. So much monitoring to do! I catch myself intellectualizing or trying to be in charge. More in alliance with the therapist than with the other members.And I've been aggressive, for me at least, pushing someone, calling them on their ability to not talk about themselves but rather other people's experience. I was sort of shocked at myself, even as I heard myself say, "but I could be wrong, of course." What a smug b&tch! It so isn't me.
So what is it that is causing all this anxiety in me? I think it is trying not to compare experiences and failing miserably. No matter how much I tell myself that you can't compare or judge, I know my experience is so much more extreme that I feel like a freak. I can't even encapsulate stuff, I've never told my mother or confronted my dad...and they all have. There is nothing quite like feeling like odd-man-out, even among a group of survivors.
I need to figure out what I want from this therapy and why I'm there. Because until I do, it is sheer self-torture, which doesn't make sense at all.
I just thought I'd share a little. thanks for listening.
poster:Daisym
thread:902702
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/902702.html