Posted by Deneb on April 15, 2009, at 15:42:01
In reply to Re: I feel like I am losing my mind » Deneb, posted by SLS on April 15, 2009, at 14:11:37
> > I'm scared.
>
> I'm sure you can see that everyone here is concerned with your health and welfare.
>
> What are you scared of? Some of us (like me) may not know your history well enough to know what is making you scared.I am scared of something very scary. I've scared of killing myself in a moment of depression and insanity. Specifically I am afraid I will jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in May on the Babbletrip.
The thing is, most times I don't want to die, but sometimes I get impulsive. When I get in a bad way now, I will still think of ODing. I've OD'd in the past, only once was serious enough to end up in the hospital and locked for 3 days in the psych ward. I did not want to die that time, but I still OD'd. I am afraid I will kill myself without intention.
I think and hope I will be OK, but if I feel like I am losing my mind I get scared. So far I am still going to work on time and am planning for fun things to do at SF. I think I will be OK.
Just this Dr. Bob thing has recently become more of an obsessive unrequited love type of thing and I am afraid the borderline me will surface and I might escalate in harmful behaviours in order to try to get Dr. Bob to respond to me.
Now, I don't believe I truly want to die because I am saving money and have plans to save more money. Plus I am planning on getting my degree finally. In other words, I am planning for my future and plan to live to be very old. I am just afraid of what I might do in a moment of borderline impulsiveness in order to get Dr. Bob to respond and give me attention.
Specifically I am afraid I might go to the Golden Gate Bridge, threaten suicide and hope that Dr. Bob or babblers save me and when they don't I jump and kill myself in my state of borderline dysphoria.
I have been somewhat obsessed with the bridge for many months now, imagining myself jumping off it, even searching for youtube videos of people jumping off it.
I don't want to die, but with the recent escalation in attention seeking behaviours in an effort to get Dr. Bob to give me attention, I am just worried that it might escalate some more and get dangerous.
Deneb
poster:Deneb
thread:890618
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/890914.html