Posted by Deneb on April 15, 2009, at 15:42:01
In reply to Re: I feel like I am losing my mind » Deneb, posted by SLS on April 15, 2009, at 14:11:37
> > I'm scared.
> I'm sure you can see that everyone here is concerned with your health and welfare.
> What are you scared of? Some of us (like me) may not know your history well enough to know what is making you scared.
I am scared of something very scary. I've scared of killing myself in a moment of depression and insanity. Specifically I am afraid I will jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in May on the Babbletrip.
The thing is, most times I don't want to die, but sometimes I get impulsive. When I get in a bad way now, I will still think of ODing. I've OD'd in the past, only once was serious enough to end up in the hospital and locked for 3 days in the psych ward. I did not want to die that time, but I still OD'd. I am afraid I will kill myself without intention.
I think and hope I will be OK, but if I feel like I am losing my mind I get scared. So far I am still going to work on time and am planning for fun things to do at SF. I think I will be OK.
Just this Dr. Bob thing has recently become more of an obsessive unrequited love type of thing and I am afraid the borderline me will surface and I might escalate in harmful behaviours in order to try to get Dr. Bob to respond to me.
Now, I don't believe I truly want to die because I am saving money and have plans to save more money. Plus I am planning on getting my degree finally. In other words, I am planning for my future and plan to live to be very old. I am just afraid of what I might do in a moment of borderline impulsiveness in order to get Dr. Bob to respond and give me attention.
Specifically I am afraid I might go to the Golden Gate Bridge, threaten suicide and hope that Dr. Bob or babblers save me and when they don't I jump and kill myself in my state of borderline dysphoria.
I have been somewhat obsessed with the bridge for many months now, imagining myself jumping off it, even searching for youtube videos of people jumping off it.
I don't want to die, but with the recent escalation in attention seeking behaviours in an effort to get Dr. Bob to give me attention, I am just worried that it might escalate some more and get dangerous.