Posted by rskontos on April 7, 2009, at 20:40:20
In reply to Re: I need some help and support......possible tri, posted by onceupon on April 7, 2009, at 14:01:58
> Hi rsk,
>
> Here are some thoughts I had while reading your post: take them or discard them as you like.
>
> Do *you* think you need to "do more with your brain?" And if so, and all of those scenarios involve school, I'm with ss on the observation that feeling fearful about this decision is totally normal. I've taught classes at the university level too, and I can say with certainty that returning adult students always impressed me with their motivation and passion. Not to put undue pressure on you - I just think that returning adults are in a very different space (obviously) from the typical 18-year-old freshman. I think you can use your experiences to your advantage.Well maybe I would not put it as doing more with my brain, but I would like to feel significant. And I need more schooling to do what I want to do. What I think I am good at doing. So yes I do think I need more. And your are right I can use my experiences. My advisor I spoke to , I enrolled and got accepted in one of my stronger moments, was very positive.
>
> I hear that you're tired of dissociating, and that's as good a reason as any to want to decrease it. I'm curious though, if you have ideas about what specifically worries you about dissociating in school. Is it that you'll miss out on what's going on in class? Is it that you'll be embarrassed if others notice (though it sounds like you're pretty good at hiding it)? Is it that you'll feel triggered because you're dissociating (rather than the other way around)?
>Heck if i know. It is a way of life for me. I started a new job in Jan and I dissociate like heck there. Every day, sometimes multiple times in one day.
> I can see two equally valid courses of action with regard to school. You can go back to school, even with your fears of dissociating, and address any dissociating that might come up in therapy, perhaps with the thought that working toward what might feel like a stronger sense of purpose might help to alleviate some of the critical voices, and by extension, the dissociating. (Wow, that was a long sentence.) Or, you can try to reduce the dissociation before going back to school so that perhaps you feel more prepared to deal with school-related stressors.
I am not sure what can reduce it. My t and I discuss it all the time. When he spoke about school etc I dissociated for while. When I came too I got quiet and told him it happened. that is our key words. And he said he thought it was because of him telling me about how smart I am and doing more etc. etc.
I guess I never realized how fearful I am. I also want to write stories which I am good at but constantly put off. I have a book outlined and still put it off.
>
> Do you have a sense about why things are getting worse now? It sounds like you do have an awareness of when you're dissociating, but perhaps not why? What does your inner dialog say about telling your therapist that you're disappearing?Well he knows how much I dissociate. I don't know why and that is all I can tell him. My childhood was scary. And I guess times that see benign aren't to the childlike parts inside of me. I have a co-consciousness sometimes with certain parts yet remain unable to change my behavior.
>
> And as for "being significant" - who gets to decide that? I would argue that you're significant now, but that it sounds like you're wanting to be significant in a different way.Thanks. I think being significant is doing something I am proud of that is mine only. I want to contribute to society or I want something more. I can't really explain it.
>
> About the money - yes it will be costly - but I heard recently that, if school is a part of your "life plan," the current economy is actually a great time to go back.
>
> Do you remember what it was like for the smallest part of you to go to school? In other words, when you were her age, what were your experiences? If it wasn't good, can you let her know that the adult parts of you (and other supports outside of you) can help her to have a different experience?No school was my refuge. I never missed even sick. I loved school yet dissociated from it too. I missed weeks even sometimes. Or I would go to school only to wake up back at my car and it would be 3:30 instead of 8:00. I did that so many times but I did not think about how strange it was. I just went on about my business. Not to mention having people I thought I did not know come up to me and say hi and I couldn't tell you their names. That has happened way too much. And more but I don't think I should get into that.
>
> "I thought I could do this alone. But I can't."
>
> Please don't do it alone. Alone is a lousy way to do most everything. We wouldn't want to miss out on the journey!ok thanks I won't do it alone. Not now with all this wonderful support. It just makes me feel so much better for your support and very thoughtful response.
thanks so much
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:889202
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/889316.html