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Re: I'm back in the black hole » TherapyGirl

Posted by Dinah on April 3, 2009, at 20:26:33

In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2009, at 19:45:18

I've started and discarded several replies to you. I just can't seem to find the words I am looking for. I apologize if this effort doesn't quite do it too.

Part of my whole Wizard of Oz discussion with my therapist was about being stronger (or braver or brainier, etc.) than I think I am. My therapist didn't quite understand why I found the whole suggestion so offensive. He says he hopes his other clients don't feel that way. That he sees it as a way of empowering people to believe in themselves.

We touched on a few different reasons why I hate it. One being that he usually says it when he's about to abandon me for some period of time. Another being that it is dismissive of how hard and overwhelming I find something. Another may be that when he says something about me that I don't believe, it makes me feel even worse about what *really* is inside me. I even admitted that nothing makes me want to be weak more than being told I'm strong.

But the biggest thing, for me, was that "you are stronger than you think you are" sounds so lonely. It feels like I'm being thrown in the sea and told that the person tossing me in is positive I'll reach the shore. It is such an isolating thing to say. "You have to rely on yourself." Something like that, anyway.

My therapist suggested resilient instead. But that still sounds lonely to me. More willow than oak, perhaps. But still standing alone.

But I think there is an alternative to being strong. Strength and even resilience aren't the only alternatives we have. There are probably plenty I don't even know about, but the one I'm happiest with is resourcefulness, or even cunning, in the least pejorative sense of the word.

I may not be strong. But when my therapist left me, I did try to think of other handholds to grasp. Other people who may not have been able to give me all that he gives me, but could give me some of it. I may not be strong enough to suffer the unbearable pain. But I might be able to find distractions from the pain so that there isn't an unending stream of it I need to endure. It's broken up a bit by hobbies or interests, or whatever it takes to distract me. (I do need to make sure the distractions don't end up being something that will end up causing me even more pain.)

You don't *need* to have as much strength as your therapist seems to want to think you have. And that you may or may not have. We aren't meant to be oaks or willows. We're meant to be part of a network of supports. Your therapist is leaving, and I'm darn angry at her for that. Relationships shouldn't just stop that way. Your friend isn't able, at this time, to be what you need her to be. But there may be others who can give you some of what you need. Some of the time.

You've got us. I'll bet you have others. Maybe none of your other supports can carry as much weight as your therapist, or as your friend has. But between everyone you can find, maybe you can cobble together enough of a support network that you don't have to be a mighty oak.

 

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poster:Dinah thread:888095
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