Posted by raisinb on March 7, 2009, at 13:55:13
In reply to Anger, individuation, and taking risks (long), posted by lucie lu on March 7, 2009, at 4:19:55
Lucie, congratulations for this incredible progress. I so admire this ability to talk about vulnerable feelings with your therapist. I still can't do that--I talk about anger instead, in a defensive way. However, it sounds like you and your therapist need to delve into that anger, and perhaps your improved relationship will help you do that.
In my own therapy, I have noticed several different kinds of anger. The first, and most simple, is justifiable (though I hate that word--all feelings, as she reminds me, are valid) anger at crossed boundaries, most often when I feel she puts too much responsibility on me (like you, I always take the caretaking responsibility in all my relationships, including therapy, and perhaps part of that is coming into play). The second is anger as a defense against more vulnerable feelings of dependency, love, and need. I often start fights with her when I feel these things, and it took me awhile to recognize that. The third is anger that I have to do so much in that relationship--that I don't get anything back. Despite the fact that I know therapy is one-sided in many ways, I still get angry at the inherent limitations, mostly because I can't see them as not about me--it seems like if I acquiesce to these limits, I am acknowledging that I don't deserve the things I want from her--and in general.
I can identify with the fact that a more egalitarian, less dependent relationship is scary. Sometimes I feel that my whole life, I've been looking for the love and care that I didn't get as a child. When I think about maybe not needing that so much, it's scary, because then, what do I shoot for? What goals do I replace that longing with?
It sounds like you are doing so well, and the consultation was a big step. Thank you for posting this; it's wonderful to read about similar issues and hope for getting through them.
poster:raisinb
thread:884214
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/884262.html