Posted by lucie lu on October 15, 2008, at 13:35:47
I have found myself starting replies to a number of threads but they start getting complicated and theres a lot of over-lap. But soooooo many posts about what Babblers are going through strike such a chord of recognition within me, with me feeling Ive felt that or yes, Ive been there. Its been a long journey, not over yet. So I decided to write about the therapeutic relationship and the stages its gone through over the past six years. Since I dont think it is instructive to talk about my specific history or issues, Ive only tried to reflect on what seem like common themes that other Babblers might relate to. I apologize in advance for its length and if it seems self-absorbed. So bail now, while you have the chance :-)
My relationship with my T has gone through stages, and it was a slow progression. The first couple of years, when we met once weekly, he was a nice man, a helping professional who I eventually learned could be counted on to return my calls if I was having acute fits of anxiety or depression. We had a rupture after about a year (provoked by undisclosed separation anxiety, in retrospect) and I stopped seeing him for several months. I told him Id be back when my insurance kicked in again, although he didnt really expect that. We agreed later than it seemed like a 50-50 chance for both of us, but obviously I did return to therapy. Whereas the first year was more about particular immediate events and stresses, year 2 was getting down to the nitty-gritty. I got really stuck in year 2, couldnt get into a groove, couldnt find anything to talk about. I was frustrated and he fell asleep on me twice. Around year three, the therapy picked up, moved from feeling relatively stuck into a more intensive phase, when I started going twice a week. The relationship began to deepen. This deepening unleashed an intense set of transference interactions.
The first stage of the intense phase of year 3 was, I think, something similar to what turtle and others are talking about. I flopped around like a fish on a line. First I was terrified of getting too close: I pictured myself as a planet trapped into a shaky orbit around the sun, unable to break loose but terrified that I would be pulled into its gravitational field. During this period I was terrified that I would fall into the sun (my therapy shorthand for this fear). This alternated with abandonment fears. I mistrusted him deeply, fearing being conned into caring for him when he only of me as a time-slot. My view of him vacillated wildly: he was my rescuer and someone who really cared about me; he was really an ax-murderer outside of the office and didn't really care about me at all. (Despite how it sounds I was not really clinically paranoid, although when does deep mistrust become paranoia?) He and I both struggled throughout these years. At some point, maybe midway through year 3, a new phase appeared when I felt I "fell in love" with him. What this really meant was that I finally allowed myself to explore intimacy with him. The trust issues continued to hum throughout, sometimes in the foreground and other times in the background. I remember, and I believe he does too, this period as intensely painful and stressful for both of us. We explored my past together and he tried to reach me and I tried to trust him. I cried buckets. There were innumerable crises, sometimes suicidal feelings and impulses, tearful, anxious or angry phone calls, emotionally explosive sessions. After one anguished, hour-long phone call that wore us both out, he urged me to see my pdoc about adding a mood stabilizer to my long-term A/D. Someday I will ask him, but I think he was afraid he could no longer hold me and wasn't sure whether his strength would give out first or my intense insanity would topple us both. The mood stabilizers did help by damping down the terrible dysphoria and lessened the magnitude of my emotional responses.
It was during this intense period (years 3-5) that I would say I was obsessed with him and my therapy. I would endlessly read psych books and spend hours at a time googling all sorts of psych subjects. Usually my obsessive searching was along two themes: (1) trying to self-diagnose so I could have some idea of what was going on inside me; and (2) counter-transference so I could have some idea of what was going on inside him. Both of those needs to know were truly driven by my insecurities and fears. On one hand, I knew the behavior was crazy but I couldn't control it. I felt addicted (justifiably so). I also journaled a lot. Despite, or perhaps because of, the intensely painful nature of this period, there was a strong, if insecure, attachment being forged based on my sense of him as my nurturing rescuer. I was going to reply to Turtle's thread about T imagery and didn't get a chance to, but he was my rescuer from all sorts of terrors, from falling into the abyss to drowning in shark-infested waters. I think that rescue element was in the counter-transference as well, so that added to the intensity of the relationship. It may have made things a bit harder for him to negotiate at times but overall it seemed to work between us. During this time, I hardly stopped thinking about him, in answer to your question Jay. I too would think about him at bedtime so the warm feelings would help me fall asleep. I hear echoes of this period in many of the posts on Babble, and I can really empathize. I wish I had known about Babble at that time, I think it would have helped more than just trawling amazon.com and other websites, although I did find a lot of helpful material.
The intense, stormy period started receding about year 5, by which time we had achieved a close relationship with as much trust as I was capable of mustering. I was still going regularly 2x/week, with additional sessions scheduled at times when I was especially needy. Despite the temptation (I still wanted to see him as much as possible), it was pretty clear that three times a week would have re-ignited the transference too much. I was still somewhat ambivalent about the attachment. This ambivalence manifested itself in wanting to see him 3x a week, to reduce the separation anxiety, or 1x (or none) to minimize and avoid the relationship. This is when the "Friday syndrome" arose, when I would experience a tremendous amount of anxiety about the gap between sessions, sometimes so much so that I came to dread Friday sessions even before I'd get to the office. As my posts show, I have not really worked through this yet, and insecurities about this still rise somewhat regularly.
Despite all this emotional and interpersonal intensity, I was actually learning important things during years 3-5, more intrapsychic than interpersonal. I finally learned some affect regulation (which I had never learned, didnt even know what it was) and began to develop a center of stability (I used to describe myself as a donut, because I had always lacked such a center). An important skill for me was learning to partition the crazy parts of myself and my history within my psyche: to coexist with them but be able to keep a healthy distance. These crazy places were like rooms, where my T and I had explored together, but where I could leave and close the door behind me. I am still not very good at self-comfort, but those lessons were started then too. Also I continued to explore and consolidate my half of the therapeutic relationship, while my T continued to hold up his, and I continue to learn and mature.
Year six has had a distinctly different feel to it. Crises are rare and when they occur, are much more subtle. The interpersonal emphasis has shifted from its narrow focus on the therapeutic relationship (I still feel a strong attachment, it just feels more secure now) to family, friends, and social interactions in general. I re-established ties to my mother and siblings (although I had not cut them out altogether, I was very uncomfortable and prone to avoidance). That was really important because I was afraid my mother would die (she is in good health but 86) before I could get my act together and reconcile with her and be close again. And finally, rebuild my relationship with my DH and my marriage. My DH suffered tremendously during the course of my therapy as I alluded in an earlier thread. We have been married over 20 years so there is a lot of history to work through. Were still together but it has been very tenuous at times. Reconciliation in personal relationships has been a major goal in this most recent period. However, my relationship with my T is still evolving. There are still insecurities and regressions, occasional ruptures, and sometimes I miss the intensity of earlier times, but by and large we are in a pretty stable place. As per some of my posts, there are still bumpy patches and uncertainties in the therapeutic relationship even now, and I still think of him a lot (sometimes uncomfortably so), but much, much less then before. I find myself wanting to ask him, how many years after therapy will have to pass before we could be friends outside? But I dont know if that would be possible, not sure how that would work. But I feel we are becoming friends now. Nonetheless, I reserve the right to regress to earlier stages sometimes and he typically accommodates that regression as it usually seems to serve some purpose. In the service of the ego, as he would say.
Well, enough of this and Im sorry it is soooooooooo loooooooong! Just hope something in here might be helpful to someone.
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:857578
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/857578.html