Posted by antigua3 on October 10, 2008, at 9:53:48
In reply to Re: Thank you everyone » antigua3, posted by seldomseen on October 10, 2008, at 6:36:11
> So, I've read the entire thread.
>>well, I certainly appreciate that.
> I think there is a lot of merit in focusing on your life and not your therapy.>>I think I have been letting therapy run my life instead of living it fully. I only say that because I have devoted years at times to trying to resolve my feelings. Maybe now it's time to move on. I've learned an incredible amount and have turned my life around because of the caring therapy I've received. My T even helped me raise my kids.
>
> I also understand your desire to avoid painful transference with a therapist. It's definately a bittersweet feeling, there is no doubt about that.
>>I don't even consider this an option. It would take up too much space in my life, no matter how caring a male T I could find.> And I gotta say, things certainly seem to be rough (understatement) in your current therapy/pdoc situation.
>>You're right; that's an understatement. But I don't know how much is me (probably most of it) and how much is him. We all have our limitations.
> I don't know if you are being re-traumatized or not. But there is a certain amount of re-traumatizing that does occur during therapy. I think it gives us a chance to relive and "correct" the experience.
>>I agree, except I am (or was) looking for a corrective emotional experience and I don't feel like I'm getting that. Emotional is key here. A lot of the CBT stuff has been incredibly helpful and I do carry that with me every day.
> But keep in mind, I'm pretty much past that point in my therapy so I have the benefit of not being in the middle of it. It's easy for me to speak about it more analytically as I've processed most of the emotions surrounding it.
>>I'm glad you've been able to resolve your issues. Like I've said, I think I've reached the point that I can go as far as I can go w/o real damage being done.
> God, I can't tell you the number of times I threatened to quit. Actually did quit. Went back only to quit again. Finally quit for real and went back and ultimately stayed in therapy.
>>Ditto. I've quit and gone back so many times. Maybe enough is enough.> If therapy were easy, everyone would do it.
>>I've never expected it to be easy because I know it's not.
> It was a pattern for me, things get rough and I get itchy feet. I found I can rationalize anything and really have to watch myself. I think I've missed a lot of opportunities because of that pattern.
>>I think this is more than itchy feet. I know what that feels like. I have to question/balance whether this therapy w/my pdoc is hurting or helping me at this point. Maybe I'm in the middle and need to push forward, but I'm not sure I can succeed in this case. I want to win this battle w/him, but when I recognize it as a battle, that's a warning sign for me. Also, as someone pointed out, I defend him and that is another warning sign because it is reminiscent of my behavior with my father. I've defended him my whole life, and I've been wrong.> Now, I ask myself if I see any way possible for the situation to improve. Can I take steps to help it improve. I also try and clarify what outcome I would want if I stayed in.
>>For me, the outcome would be to get out as gracefully as possible. I wonder if I will miss him and/or long for him. I haven't carried certain feelings over to him that I would have expected--love, sexual, etc.--and I've always considered that a plus. But I have to be on the lookout to see if that changes. Also, I can't keep beating my head against the wall.Maybe surrender is the right course of action. Surrender to his approach, instead of fighting it. We seem to have better results when I cede the battle. Maybe it's just part of the natural course, but at this point I feel it's dangerous to continue.
> If I can come up with answers to any of those questions, I stay and work. If I can't then I leave.
>>I don't have the answers. All I know is that it hurts, and truthfully, this is not how I expected it to go. I expected more help working through the pain, and not to feel so alone. But he doesn't offer that helping hand; he reverts to CBT, which as I've said a million times, has its benefits.Let me try this. I like to view the world as a kind place, and I have built-in a constant faith in humanity to keep me going. I know evil exists in this world--I've experienced it--but my overall outlook is that people are kind. Here's a simple example. I saw a horrific car wreck the other day where an SUV landed on its hood, all crushed in, windows had exploded out and there was a family's life strewn across the road--blankets, juice boxes, kid's books, etc. By the time I got next to the accident, there was a young boy of about 7 or 8 standing next to the car, trying the door handles to get out his mother, I'm assuming. She was probably on her way to dropping him off at school and had run the light.My first instinct was to reach for my phone to call 911, but I could see that the person in the other car was already out and doing that. I didn't stop because so many people had jumped out of their cars to help. And a police car happened to be right there. All I could do was move on and pray that the person(s) trapped in the car were OK. But I was struck by how many people stopped to help. That's the kind of world I want to live in. Not cynical or unkind. And as I kept going, the thought popped into my mind that if that had been me trapped in that car, and my pdoc had come along, he wouldn't have stopped to help me because it would have interfered w/my therapy. Now I know that's quite a jump, but I don't feel his therapy is kind or caring, no matter his orientation. It's just basic kindness and faith in this world that I believe in, and his therapy doesn't seem to follow that course. It's ugly, hurtful and I'm on my own.
> I'm sorry you are in the middle of this, and so wish for you an easy road ahead.
>>Thank you. It won't be an easy road, but I'm used to that. I know all male pdocs aren't unkind and uncaring, and IRL I don't think my pdoc really is that way; it's just his orientation and rigidity. I don't think he has ever treated someone like me before and doesn't see the nuances that are there.One last thing I'd like to mention. I said somewhere above that I didn't want to be on meds my whole life. What I meant is anti-anxiety meds. According to my pdoc, because of my history of depressive episodes, I will probably be on anti-depressants the rest of my life. My T doesn't necessarily agree, but I didn't want anyone to think I was anti-meds. They have played a huge part in my recovery. I just don't want to be so close to the edge anymore.
antigua
>
>
>
>
>
>
poster:antigua3
thread:856481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856729.html