Posted by Tamar on September 4, 2008, at 16:55:06
My marriage has been far from healthy for a few years now. My husband has a problem managing his anger - well, he doesnt see it as a problem. But I do. And its been especially bad since Ive been depressed because I cant handle being screamed at (I used to be able to scream back when I was healthy).
Whenever I try to talk to him about it calmly, he screams at me and accuses me of making him out to be a monster or he says I treat him like sh*t. And for a long time I believed him, but at some point I realised it wasnt really all my fault, and that he was actually being quite unreasonable. About a year ago I told him that if he wanted to stay married he had to get professional help.
Where I live people are usually referred to a therapist by their GP. So he went to the GP and she wrote a letter to the mental health agency, and they set up an appointment for him with *my* therapist. Needless to say, my therapist thought this would be a Bad Idea, and so referred him to another mental health agency. And then we heard nothing for months. I asked my husband to call them and find out when he might get an appointment, but he kept forgetting to get around to it.
Meanwhile, the angry explosions continued. I didnt want to be around my husband. I just didnt want him near me. I was having trouble feeling love or respect for him. I stopped having sex with him. Then I stopped sleeping in the same room as him. Eventually I started reading some stuff about emotional and verbal abuse and it all matched the ways he was behaving. So last week I reminded him that getting help was a condition of remaining married, and asked him to get around to calling. I told him I wasnt prepared to put up with his behaviour any longer. He exploded at me a few times in response, but I sat through it, calmly dissociating, and simply repeated myself. And this week he called the agency and they gave him an appointment for that afternoon.
So hes seen his therapist once. And maybe she can help. But it has taken so long to get to this point that I dont know whether it can actually save our marriage. A couple of weeks ago I was on the point of moving out and had started actively looking for somewhere else to live (without telling my husband). And even if he never screams at me again, and never calls me names again, and never blames me for his anger again, I cant imagine wanting to be completely his wife again, or share a bed with him, or have sex with him. And I feel like a total b*tch, because he is finally doing what I asked him to do, but I dont think Im going to be able to keep my side of the bargain.
Sorry this got so long.
poster:Tamar
thread:850366
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080826/msgs/850366.html