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Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG » DAisym

Posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 10:37:02

In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by DAisym on August 15, 2008, at 20:32:40

Interesting that you would bring up the "confessing" part because when I first started w/him, I wrote something to him that he said sounded like a confession. I was confused, and didn't agree, but I've been very aware of that. I really don't want him to think of it as a confession, but he may very well bring that up, and that will make me freak. It's like I don't want him to feel sorry for me; I interpret that as pity, which is so distressing for me.

Even compassion is a bit on the edge, but as long as it is genuine--and how do I know it's not an act? I might be able to accept it.

"I also think there is a small part of you that is beginning to hope that all men aren't going to hurt you"

To compound this, the next day after telling, after seeing my T, I ran into a situation at work where an important/authoratative male completely devalued me and my experience as being important, or beneficial to our business. But in this case, I calmly stood up for myself. I know he's wrong, and everyone around me knows that, so I didn't take it personally.

I'm used to it. Being perceived this way. So in the natural order of my world (or how I warp things to fit my view), men are out to hurt me. I certainly know that part of it is an attitude I project, but I can't dispute the "truth" of my experiences. That I shape those experiences (oh here I go again, taking total responsibility) is readily apparent to me.

Maybe I've had too much CBT!!! Seriously, though, if I'm flogging myself then no one else can do it, and if my pdoc does it, then I will lose it.

"Whatever mistakes you make as an adult are likely part of your life's pattern - grounded in your childhood experiences. Learning to see our patterns and learning how to make different choices is what all this work is about - not responsibility, per say. You certainly are taking responsibility for everything - flogging yourself. No one else has to. But being able to connect the dots is really important - not excuses but rather reasons for your choices."

Daisy, this is exactly what he was trying to do, point out the reasons, but I was hearing "responsibility" and there is a value judgment on the differences between decisions I make as an adult vs. a child, even though I rationally know that this decision was made by the child, not the adult. But it still implies a judment to me, and that makes the child feel responsible. Me, me, me, I caused it all to happen. What is at the bottom of that? The shame of course, but there is so much terror.

"I know it is embarrassing to have someone else know about these intimate things - but I also think it is important to have someone else know to balance your perspective of it and not make it yet another secret you have to keep."

I think what you've said here is absolutely true; one of the worst things about what I went through as a child is that I never developed a real sense of perspective; everything is clouded, and my defense mechanims have made me unable to see things clearly, especially when it comes to men. I've worked very hard on this, but maybe I'm not going to like his balance of perspective.

I have handed him kryptonite, and I'm terrified, like the child at what he will do with this knowledge. I don't have the confidence that he will handle it.

The really hard part is about not wanting to go back, feeling so embarrased. Of course, I should go back, because that's where the growth comes, but the actual and perceived risk is great.

I don't see him until week after next, and instead of receding, as issues surrounding him usually do between visits, this one is growing. Which makes it very different me. It could be devastating.
thank you so much for your insight,
antigua


 

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poster:antigua3 thread:846433
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080810/msgs/846637.html