Posted by Happyflower on June 24, 2008, at 16:06:07
First of all I found out that my T was in the hospital during his vacation, they thought he was having a imminent heart attack. Which wasn't the case, it was acid reflux or something. But he did have a 80% blocked artery and had a stint put in. Then I found out that he a quadruple by pass 14 yrs ago, but those arteries are 100 clear but the one which they fixed.
When I called today to cancel, I was already on the waiting list for something sooner than Thursday. Then she said, well I have a cancellation that just called and the appointment is in 1 1/2 hours. Soooooo I reluctantly accepted it.
I told him about what he said that made me upset, but not at him directly. TOld him about my aunt dying and how I have lost everyone. Then we talked about my old T and seeing him.Well the last topic took most of the time. I told him why I wanted to see my old T and he as first didn't believe it would be a good thing. He believes my old T will just be defensive and probably end up hurting me even more. But then I told him about my letter and what it said to my old T and how much I wanted to forgive him. My current T with his unconditional positive regard has helped me accept me for who I am and in turn I am accepting others faults more easily. I know my old T didn't intentionally try to hurt me. But his feelings for me made him defensive when I tried to talk about our relationship. He didn't want to talk about it because I believe he felt vulnerable because of the way he knew I felt about him. I told my T I understand his difficulty in talking to my old T because it reminds him of his past issues.
Well okay, here is something I learned that helped me understand my current T's difficulty with this. He had a client who was infatuated with him also, and the part I just found out today that he was also attracted to her and he had to seek consultation with another T on what to do. He said he knew he wouldn't do anything with this lady because he was dedicated to his wife, but yet he wondered if he could be effective when there was mutual attraction. I don't know what happened in the end, I didn't ask and he didn't tell me. But now I understand how hard it is for him to hear me talk about this because it brings up stuff for him too.
So anyway, I was crying all through this appointment. I told him how I didn't have a chance to make up with my brother before he died, my band director, same thing. I even saw him shed a few tears, he thought I didn't see because I was looking away crying. He lost his brother not to long ago too, and his other brother committed sucide. I know he regrets not being able to say something more meaningful the last time he saw him. So this stuff is hard for my T too. But he said he would talk to my T about his experiences in this matter.Then when my T heard more about my letter and the fact I want to forgive my T because I still care about him, and I just want to feel better about what happened between us, a chance to have him acknowledge what happened to me because of it. He realized I am not out to cuss him out or anything and the fact the I wrote what I felt and why I wanted to see him he said that well it might be more affective than he first thought. But he still would only give it 70%.
Then I said well old T wants to talk to you, maybe you could feel him out on how he feels, and you make the decision on whether or not it would be a good idea. My old T and my current T both know what I want to accomplish. My current T knows everything and my old T doesn't know that, so my current T has a heads up on how my old T might be taking this. So they are going to talk. He said it will be a growing experience for me, him and my old T he believes.
It is also the first time where he said that my old T's harsh actions and words MAY have caused me harm. We talked about the circumstances around it. I told my T that I trusted his instinct on this and after he talks to my old T, if he thinks I shouldn't, then I won't. Either way, I will continue to work on this with my current T till it is resolved.
I had to sign a release, it felt weird somehow.
I am nervous too. Don't know what to expect. I am emotionally spent right now. It was a very emotional session. Everything came out and I was crying so hard. It was so honest, so pure.
poster:Happyflower
thread:836248
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080616/msgs/836248.html