Posted by raisinb on May 27, 2008, at 9:28:01
In reply to Re: had another bad one last night, posted by rskontos on May 23, 2008, at 22:51:12
Thank you for your feedback. I'm in grade-crunch right now, and don't have time to respond to everyone individually, but everyone has been very helpful.
I'm still conflicted; I've taken a three-week break from therapy, and I think I will extend the break another week and a half. For the first time, lately, I feel like I don't even want to work it out with her. I feel a bit disgusted with all the drama. But then, those feelings are immediately followed by a rush of fear and abandonment.
I have learned so much about myself through this, but right now, my subjective impression is that my therapist hasn't helped much with that. Instead, I've worked it out on my own, because it was causing me so much pain that my feet were held to the fire, so to speak. I also wonder if the most wonderful thing I can learn from therapy is how to leave for the right reasons. I wouldn't trade the experience; I don't regret it or believe it was a mistake (in fact, I have the sense that somehow the universe led me there, to learn something important), but it may be time to see it for what it was, and move on.
Right now I just do not know. But I'm doing well, for the most part, and I can see just how much of my aloneness, fear, and hatred for my therapist was part of my depression. I think I'm in the process of making a lot of things about myself--including depression, anger, and loneliness--"ego dystonic" instead of "ego syntonic" (I read those terms a few years ago and they make sense to me).
As for the dreams, I think they really aren't that different from ones I have been having all along. And I have had wonderful dreams about her mixed up in those. I guess she isn't good or bad, and I have to learn that, accept it, and make a choice anyway.
I might get a consultation, but I've already had several, and in the end they didn't help much. I don't think it was the consulting therapists' fault--I just think I don't want anyone's truth but my own--or nothing else is going to feel quite right.
I'm right on the verge of some kind of insight, lately--that what I loved, wanted, and longed for in her is really part of me or has to come from me somehow. I'm not sure how that would look, but...
Thanks again everyone!
poster:raisinb
thread:830468
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/831372.html