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Re: I DID have a terrible nightmare about my T crushedout

Posted by raisinb on March 8, 2008, at 17:54:27

In reply to Re: I DID have a terrible nightmare about my T raisinb, posted by crushedout on March 8, 2008, at 12:11:07

This is gonna be convoluted, but here is my interpretation. The way therapy is supposed to work (and how my T and I have always been assuming it'll work) is this: 1) I never trusted or opened up to anyone before 2) I found this T, and I am supposed to learn to trust and be open with her, so that 3) I can ultimately do it with other people.

So, in the dream, my T and I do deeper work (represented by me coming in on a lower level). Then I become totally vulnerable to her (represented by the sex) and then I'm left totally NAKED for everyone else who comes afterward. I guess I'm stuck somewhere on step 2, but thinking about 3, and I never realized how terrifying it is.

Intense transference is terrible, and I'm sicker than I can say of wanting my T, hating her, loving her, having all of my emotions wrapped up in this therapy. However, the dream tells me that I have been doing it for all these years because I am so terrified of learning to be vulnerable to her, onl to have her leave, then be left vulnerable to all these other people who will come afterwards who won't be there predictably twice a week, who might not ask me about every little vestige of my feelings and thoughts, who won't push and push to get in my head, who might let all their crap and fears interfere, who will basically be unpredictable, self-serving, and might take advantage of me while being impossible to control. In other words all these T feelings are less horrifying than taking those feelings outside the room to "real" people.

And I'm worried that all elements of my life now were built because I suppressed my real thoughts and feelings and vulnerability and if I change and become more exposed, I'll screw them all up. (In the dream I was worried that the naked pics would make all my friends hate me and get me fired from my job--which I love btw.)

I think it was triggered by a couple of things--meeting someone IRL who I really like (but in a very transference-y sudden, intense way), and my T moving her office.


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