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Push/pull with T - help!

Posted by earthmama on March 7, 2008, at 22:31:36

Okay, I am SO confused and scared about the whole push/pull thing with T. I've been seeing him since November, twice or three times a week. Early on in therapy, I somehow developed this HUGE FEAR of being referred. I totally obsessed about it, asked him about it, worried, about it. He seemed like he wasn't big on "reassurance" and I'm assuming the fact that I kept coming for appointments and he was still there and no referral happened was supposed to be the reassurance.

Last month sometime, I finally HAD IT with not getting reassurance. I needed it SO much - reassurance that sharing my story was okay, that coming to see him was okay, that I was okay. I got angry and told him "Look, for $90 an hour, you should say WHATEVER I want you to say!!". I know he found that amusing, but he heard me too.

He's been giving me a lot more reassurance lately...he tells me he likes me, he told me that referring me at this point would be abusive, he tells me that he is there "for me". He's REALLY reassuring, actually. I had absolutely the worst panic attack I have EVER had in his office on Monday, after remembering the details of the middle of an attack that happened to me years ago (I always remembered the beginning and end, just not the middle). He absolutely TOOK CARE of me - he brought me water, he soothed me with his voice ("It's not happening now, you're here with me, you're safe here"), he (with my permission) touched fingertips with me so I could feel that I was there and he was real. He made sure I was okay before I left. It's how I always WISHED someone would take care of me when I was a child and scary things happened and I had to take care of myself.

My reaction?? RUN AWAY! I was seriously ready to quit therapy, FOREVER, last night. I don't even really know why. All of my feeling shut down, and I was like "ok, I'm FINE now" and that was going to be that. A friend convinced me to go for "one more appointment" today.

So, I went, and of course, I felt the connection I have with him - a connection that we've worked really hard to build. It felt good. I told him about wanting to quit, and we explored why, but I don't feel like I really hit on it. Is it that I feel ashamed of being needy? That I don't deserve being taken care of? That he has the power to take that care he was giving me away whenever he wants? That this relationship will end someday so I don't even want to bother? All of those things? I don't know.

When I left therapy, I still felt connected with him. Because of scheduling conflicts, we're only going to have one appointment next week instead of 2 (or 3, like we've had for the past two weeks), but I felt fine with that.

Tonight I suddenly was SO ANGRY at him. SO ANGRY, because of something he said in therapy today, that made me feel like he wants me to be "all better", right now. I know it's probably just my interpretation of what he said. But that didn't stop me from firing off a long, angry e-mail at him. And then feeling bad and leaving a voice mail for him to delete the e-mail and I would tell him what it said on Monday.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I am just acting WAY WAY crazy and that he's going to get fed up and tell me to go away. I'm normally a really responsible, self-sufficient, sane person, but therapy is pushing all of my "crazy" buttons.

Any words of wisdom or encouragement or hope or whatever would be SO appreciated.




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