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Re: 2/5/08 Dinah

Posted by Happyflower on February 5, 2008, at 20:36:35

In reply to Re: 2/5/08 Happyflower, posted by Dinah on February 5, 2008, at 15:44:59


Yeah, I guess I hit bottom emotionally about what happened to me as a child. I also tend to intellective the abuse and almost able to talk about it with no emotion, like a robot. But the last 2 weeks my T has been having me sit with the what it FELT like.

Well it has been really overwhelming this 2nd week, I am feeling it, the memories are open like a wound. He wants me to feel so he can help me more with EMDR. Remember my poem, scared to feel the pain? Well now I finally feel it and it makes me feel worthless like a dog turd. Maybe it is what I felt as a child, I don't know. But it is in my thoughts all day for the last 2 weeks, and I just broke down, I can't carry the burden anymore.

I guess the thing that triggered it into meltdown was I got a card from my grandma yesterday(who is my mom's mom), she is somebody I never liked much, I was scared of her, well she sent me a birthday card out of the blue this week. She does it to manipulate me to reuninited with my mom. She has left me nasty phone messages and letters. She never cared about me when I was young and now I am getting these lovey dovey cards from her. What love? Then I was also triggered by a memory of her where I am not sure if I was SA by her or not. I had a flashback last night of her rubbing my legs one night when I spent the night with her sleeping with her in her bed. I remember the smells, the black and white TV on, etc. I forgot about that memory for some time now. But it is what just made the tension burst out of me. I have T tomorrow early morning, I hope he can help me. I have been very emotional and refrigerated all week. On the verge of anger and tears all week.

Then I had some things happen at school, where I didn't do as well as I should have, so I dropped a psych class and I think I am relieved I have because it was one of my more harder class, and since my brother and Lia died, I just can't concentrate as well or remember things as well. So I am now parttime and that is enough on my plate. I am sure a lot of this has to do with the fact the therapy is getting to the heart of things , and we are going for the juggler, and it is so painful. I feel like that little girl again, scared and so sad. I need some hugs .




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