Posted by rskontos on November 29, 2007, at 16:40:41
In reply to Re: Therapy » rskontos, posted by lovelorn on November 29, 2007, at 14:55:39
Lovelorn, I am finding some of those answers this week myself. For the first time, I can see some of the answers. I finally feel like there is something new in store for me. For so long, I never saw myself doing anything. You know how girls dream and plan their weddings not me. I couldn't dream or plan anything as safety first at my house. You never knew when the shoe was going to drop and you needed to run. Running for me was into my head not physically. My younger sister ran away from home physically. I found the ability to hide inside from all the people I didn't trust. My mother and father first then others later. It was necessary as breathing. So I never thought about the future as the present was always so unsafe. It wasn't until my daughter went to college things unraveled for me BIG time. All my mechanics for coping/living started failing me and my panic attacks became actual and uncontrollable. It got to the point I asked my friend I mentioned for a recommendation to a therapist. When I talked about my junk in my trunk whew it sounds crazy to me much less to anyone else but I still say own it or be owned by it. Still half way through my life I just went along with life and never tried to think about what I want afterall I didn't know who I was I never had a chance to discover that person I was too busy making sure I was safe and my sisters and hiding the secrets. I lost the time as parts of me took over while I hid in my head and my life went on but I wasn't at the helm I was a passenger in my own ship. So this week finally I feel like I am owning a small part. Now I have loads of junk to deal with and my voices are buzzing so much people have to talk loud to me so I hear them. I will deal with them at my own pace but again I need to be in control. I think sometimes that is why they hit me with the emotions so hard cuz I don't listen....I understand I don't think I even have a foundation but I must as I have two children who are doing pretty good even with me as a mom. And like you I am working on the foundation with needs a major overhaul as I never had the opportunity to ever create one before. I too fooled the world into thinking I was strong. One of my peeps is strong and she fooled the world when I checked out.
For the first time I feel stronger and that I will have a better future. I feel like some good is in store. First time ever I have had that feeling. I hope it sticks around since my memory is toast right I might forgot how this feels.......lol
I wasnt separate from my mother physically but she wasn't there mentally. And there were times whoa you wished either she was gone or you were........let's just say she could make Cruella deVilla look kind and pleasant and sweet. I can't remember warm fuzzies from her..sad huh. But a child still loves mom....
I believe those break down and rebuilding are necessary in the healing process. I am not sure I can express why just that somehow I can see how they are and that over time it will get less and less or easier. I think it helps you process things yourself just like you said. Prior to T I know I couldn't process things alone and now I do. That is progress maybe that is how it helps.
Take care,
rk
poster:rskontos
thread:797429
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071120/msgs/797652.html