Posted by sunnydays on November 4, 2007, at 21:30:28
In reply to Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do?, posted by Daisym on November 3, 2007, at 0:23:33
> I know how scary it is to hear those words. I think though sometimes we have to come to grips with the truth that no one person can "fix" us or take away all our sadness.
**** Most of the time I don't want him to take away all my sadness. I just want him to be there with me and help me get through it. And I feel so alone in the sadness sometimes because it's just so deep and my friends don't understand. It's more wanting him to be there all the time because I know he understands most of the time.
As much as I want to just merge with my therapist and live inside his heart where it is safe, I know I can't.
**** I had a daydream a couple months ago that would come and go a lot of me just giving my therapist a hug and, like a ghost in the movies, just sort of dissolving into him and staying there where it was safe. I told him about it. That part of the session didn't go that great because he didn't really understand how I was describing it - it wasn't as clearly as it was here. But I liked that image for a while. It's gone now. A lot lately I've been remembering my sessions with me as a little kid sitting in his office, which is very strange for me.
Slowly, very, very slowly, I'm learning to lean on a few other people. It is scary and very hard to force myself out into the world. But I feel better when I don't isolate myself. My pain eases, if only for a little while.
**** That's good. I do have some very close friends that I tell almost everything to. But I can't really talk to them about the sadness. I've tried, and they want to help really badly, they just don't know how or what to say. And my therapist agrees that feelings this intense they just aren't going to be able to understand because they haven't been there.
>
> Coping strategies are not just for the really, really bad times. They need to become part of your everyday life.**** So says my therapist. I just don't know what that means, though. The thing is, I'm a student, and I just study all the time. I don't have time to do hobbies, and joining clubs and stuff I've tried and then I always quit because it makes me anxious. I don't know how to integrate coping into my life. Deep breathing seems to be the only thing I'm any good at. Which is part of the problem. I see myself as having to be "good at" coping strategies.
What makes you feel good? What makes you smile? Where do you feel safe?
**** I feel safe when I'm in my room alone with all my homework done for the night. My therapist thinks that's the trauma because I feel safer by myself. Things that make me feel good: cooking (except that I can't do that here because I lack the space/equipment to do the stuff I want to do), walking the dog (that lives at home). I don't know what makes me feel good here. Really it's sort of unpredictable - a song on the radio or just waking up in a good mood. Sometimes if one of my friends is in a good mood.
I know when I stop doing for myself all the things I know I need to do, I get worse. And then I cling to my therapist like a barnacle...and the need for him is overwhelming.
**** I feel like it's really random and unpredictable for me when I feel good, so it's hard to know what will help me feel that way. My therapist and I have tried to identify things, and I do a mood rating thing where I rate my moods numerically a couple times a day and make notes of what goes along with it, but no patterns have emerged as of yet.
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> Your therapist can help you. But he can't magically erase your past, as much as I'm sure he wants to. And he can't take your pain from you or promise you a golden future. But he can help you help yourself. Which is great and stinks at the same time. It is sort of like the dilema of a toddler, isn't it? Moving away from mom means finding a big, exciting new world. But it also means missing mom. And it is scary as heck. But try to remember he is right there behind you, pushing you, cheering you on and waiting for you when you return to get filled up on safety again.**** It's that part that's hard. I just don't know how to trust that he'll be there when I look back, no matter how many times he tells me. And that's why I hate trauma.
>
> Hang in, you are doing the hard and necessary work. I'm just sorry it hurts so much.*** Thanks Daisy.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:793044
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071022/msgs/793349.html