Posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:18:02
It is even very hard to write about, but I felt so scared, so triggered
We did EMDR on the feelings I felt when my mom would riticuled me over my solo mess up in a talent show when I was 14. She would play that tape to everyone and thought it was so funny and it would humilulate me. We did one set with me thinking this, it was aweful, tears running down my face , choking, my head felt like it was going to explode. Then he tried to get me to my safe place and relax me, but I couldn't go there. I felt so tense and so very angry. I told him I couldn't relax, I was so mad.
So then he tried to do an exercise where you imagine the abuser in the chair next to you tied up, silenced, and I just freaked when I looked at the chair even imagineing it. I just looked at the other chair and I wanted to crawl up in a ball and hide. I said , I don't feel safe, she wants to kill me. He tried other things, there are armed guards, I said no she is friends with them and won't believe me, they are on her side. He tried I am in a bullet proof box, and no no no , I don't feel safe at all.
I said they only way I would never be safe from her is when she is dead. I kept saying I was sorry, but I was really trying and not wanting to be difficult. He said he can tell I was trying, and it just shows him how much I really am still afraid and that we need to take this much slower . We talked some about the stuff she did to me and my brother and I am like I just don't understand how anyone could ever hurt their own kids and then laugh about it. Oh, the cruel laugh. I feel bad when I even raise my voice to my kids, how could she do what she did? How could Sadam and Hitler do what they did?
He tried to get me to my safe place but it doesn't seem safe to me, my mom could still show up. We tried to calm me down but it wasn't working very well. I told him that I am still very much afraid of her. She is really a threat. He had an appointment at the hospital with a client and he had to go to after mine, so I know he needed to leave. I tried so hard to pull it together to leave, but tears were just streaming down my face and I had trouble even getting out of the chair, my legs felt so heavy, but I did get up and had to pay the secretary. He patted my back as I walked out of his office and then when I was standing paying he came out and kept telling me to remember my safe place and he put his hand on my back again. I got in my car and felt so overwhelmed. My classes started in an hour, but I was a mess, so I remembered my xanax, but it is at home. I haven't needed it for a long time, but I took two, ate something, and drove to class. By then I was calm. In fact in my 2nd class I kept dosing off sitting up. I am home now, and I should be getting ready to go to my guitar lesson, but I am so exhausted, I am going to bed.
Plus I am waiting to find out about my new granddaughter that was born yesterday. She might need heart surgury so we are waiting to find out.
I don't know if I can do therapy, it is so hard. I am scared right now. I don't feel safe. I feel so overwhelmed right now, I don't know what to do with myself.
poster:happyflower
thread:789611
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/789611.html