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I have to disengage now girlnterrupted78

Posted by Racer on September 11, 2007, at 20:26:56

In reply to Re: Very partial response... Racer, posted by girlnterrupted78 on September 11, 2007, at 13:40:27

> >
> Thanks a lot for your response. If you could simply tell me what's your interpretation of my T (you said at some point she has a good deal going on for her.. and that you'd get back at me later..) I just would like to know what your interpretation of her behavior as I've described it would be from a third party--yourself!
> Thank you again, I really appreciate your time :)
> GI78

Hi, I've got to disengage from this now, because I just don't have time. Yesterday, my "brief" response took nearly an hour, and I have a couple of deadlines this week which must be met, so this has to be it for me. If it's incomplete, I'm sorry -- I just have to take care of my own stuff right now.

Anyway, both Honore and Henrietta have already said a lot of good stuff, most of which I agree with. Here are the things that struck me in reading through your posts:

1. You said that your T said two or three times that she wasn't annoyed. If I told someone I wasn't annoyed, and that person continued to ask me if I was annoyed -- or even told me that I was annoyed -- that would begin to annoy me. I don't think your T was necessarily lying to you when she said she wasn't annoyed -- she could have become annoyed by the direction the session was taking.

2. When she asked what difference it would make how she felt, that's a valid question. It doesn't have to mean, "none of your business," it could just mean, "we're here to discuss you, and you're asking about my emotional state -- why don't we discuss the impact of my emotional state on you?" It could also have meant something like, "my emotional state really isn't relevant to where we want to go right now," or been a sign she thought you were avoiding the issue which brought it up in the first place.

Mind you, I'm not your T, so I don't know what was going on for her. Those are just some of the things that came into my mind from your description.

3. "How will therapy with you work" is a question which could be taken in a number of different ways. It sounded to me as though she heard "how does therapy work," and answered that. You were asking a different question, so her response wouldn't have been very satisfactory. Had you been asking the question she answered, though, I'll bet the textbook answer you described would have been just fine.

4. In describing her, you've repeated phrases like "too sensitive," or "takes everything personally." Those are trigger point phrases for me, so I'm not going to say much about them. Just this: what is the definition of "too" sensitive? What you've described of your stepmother's behavior does sound pretty out of line -- but I'm not hearing that in your description of your T.

5. You're obviously have a very difficult reaction to this therapist. I'm wondering how much of this might be related to resentment that your "good" T left? That could certainly feel like abandonment, even if you *know* all the reasons it isn't. Knowing doesn't make any difference in feeling, at least in my experience. I won't ask if you think you've given her a fair chance or not, though.

6. About defense mechanisms: I'm going to pull a quote out of your post:

"> Defence mechanisms are helpful and, if used in a proper manner, are healthy. However, if misused, the defence mechanisms may also be unhealthy

Where would this apply? Who is using a defense mechanism? Myself? if so, how?"

EVERYONE uses defense mechanisms! Defense mechanisms are not at all the same as "being defensive." Using humor in an otherwise distressing situation is a defense mechanism. Denial can be a healthy defense mechanism, if it allows you to face something overwhelming -- in fact, denial is probably the best response to something like a cancer diagnosis, since it allows you to do what you have to do to get through treatment. Defense mechanisms are not bad, not negative, not pathological, they're normal. The goal of therapy is, in part, to learn to use healthy, adaptive, effective defense mechanisms.

7. I'm going to quote another part of your post:

"She claimed she felt'uneasy' because she felt I was attacking her. I used to have this kind of "talk" with my previous T--one where we'd challenge each other to get to the root of a problem. So I guess I just tried the same approach with her; I was trying to engage her in the same way to get to the root of the problem, and she took it as an attack and reacted by giving me an angry look and using an angry tone of voice. Does this sound more like HER projection on me?"

Two quick points to make: it makes sense to me that she might feel uneasy about the discussion you describe. For someone who doesn't know you, what you've described could be taken for something called "splitting." If that's how she took it, she'd likely be uneasy, because splitting can be the kiss of death to therapy if it's not handled appropriately. Regardless of your actual state at that moment, if she was seeing splitting, she'd be treading very lightly over that minefield.

Secondly, while you may have had that sort of "talk" with your former T, I'll bet it took a while to build up to it. I'd be willing to bet that you're seeing this more as a continuation of therapy, and she's seeing it as the start of therapy. That makes sense, but it still leaves you on separate pages.

Anyway, I hope you do find a good therapist, one who suits your needs at the time. I'm sorry I don't have time to continue this, but I really don't.




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