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Afterthoughts about old T *triggers*

Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 25, 2007, at 13:06:18

Thanks to whoever gave the link to those chapters from John Brieve. There were very good especially about the severely abused children as adults. The one I read about was How To Treat an Adult Who Was Severely Abused as A Child.

I think my old T messed up big time with me. In my last session the emotional hurt I had felt was lessened probably from the EMDR. But when I sad across him this time, I saw him differently. I felt sad but I also felt betrayed, unsafe, and a very big lack of safety. I think I now know why after reading that link above.

I remember like snapshot of the moment my T gave me a very cold look a long time ago, when he was anxious of his upcoming doctor's appoinment. He did say he was sorry, that it wasn't about me, it was him, I still in my mind wondered if he really did feel hate for me. Intellectially I can say, no he was just anxious. But when an abused child experiences repeated abuses from somebody they are suppose to trust, they pick up on "danger" signals easliy either mentally or physically. Well that T's look mad me very scared of him.

Then there is the sexual feelings in therapy, both mutual I believe. Intellectially I knew that was normal for me to have them, and for him I know they are human, and you can't help if the chemistry is there, it is there. But yet knowing what he was doing was wrong, (even if he was human), I think I learned to be wary of him. Maybe I thought if he would cross the line, then how can I trust him with my most deepest tramatic moments, without him taking advantage of me. The feelings felt great because I knew that if he was sexually attracted to me and would have liked to have sex with me, then he also must have liked me too. As a client, they need to feel accepted and liked to trust the therapist to do the deep work.

Also the fact he seemed uncomfortable with my feelings, showing feeling, and the way he redirected my feelings to distract me from them, I wonder if it made me feel it wasn't okay to share with him.

Then the last session were we were suppose to do EMDR. He had a bad weekend and had a heart doctor appointment ( i found out later), well I picked up on the anxiety from him. Now maybe the anxiety had nothing to do with me, but it made me protect myself I believe. Then part of me not being able to come up the the memories in whole, may have been my self protection, and I resisted going forward. I did mention portions of the abuse stuff that happened. I think I kept resisting that I can't do what he wants. Then he got frusterated with me, and when he yelled, it totally triggered me. Danger! For a split moment I felt he was going to hurt me. I started to cry and cover my face to hide from him like a child, if I can't see him he can't see me either. I need to hide to be safe. Then I remember telling him it feels like he hates me because he yelled at me. He then said I don't hate you. Then I said then you still like me. He said he thought that was a odd question to ask. He said you are a client, liking isn't an issue. It isn't like you are my sister, I don't care about you like someone in my personal life. I don't think about you outside of this office, if you died I wouldn't go to your funeral, etc. This hit me with a ton of bricks, the trust no longer was there. He was unsafe, can't trust him, he is fake.
Looking at him for the last time in my goodbye session, I still felt good about him, I truely do adore him, but I don't trust him anymore. He didn't feel safe. It is very conflicting feeling both of those at the same time.

When he crossed the boundries with some sexual comments I haven't talked about on Babble, it made me scared, how can I trust him, if he was going to do something wrong even if it felt good to both of us. With combination of winking and flirting along with those comments, athough he could argue his way out of it, that what I thought was going on wasn't really, because he was vary careful not to go too far past the line.
My sense of safety was contaminated already. Then with the stuff that happened at the end, the sence of safety was completely severed. I knew in my heart that I still cared about him very much, I was attached to him, but I knew I couldn't ever feel safe again to continue with therapy.
Now that a lot of the emotional stuff was processed with EMDR, I feel the intellicual thinking is making me see what really happened. I admit it is in hindsite, but still I think is significate.
Then when I told him about who my real T was, and the fact we did EMDR on what happened because of him, I think he is worried. He said, yeah we have know each other for over 20 years. Well I almost feel like they will gang up on me and my new T won't beleive what I am telling him. I know this is from my past, but it is what I am feeling. I do intend to talk about this with my new T.
It almost feels like when my mom would threatened me if I ever told. It feels the same almost, like telling my new T about this, somehow I am doing something wrong and bad because my new T won't belive me over his "friend of 20 years and a professional yet to boot".
No wonder I am exhausted . I woke up at 11 am today. I have never done that when going to be at a normal time. I am normally up by 6am. Plus I slept most to the day yesterday. I am feel so drained. Does any of this make any sense?
I am sorry there probably grammer and spelling mistakes above, I just don't have the energy to correct them.




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poster:Happyflower 1 :-) thread:778557