Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 778557

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Afterthoughts about old T *triggers*

Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 25, 2007, at 13:06:18

Thanks to whoever gave the link to those chapters from John Brieve. There were very good especially about the severely abused children as adults. The one I read about was How To Treat an Adult Who Was Severely Abused as A Child.

I think my old T messed up big time with me. In my last session the emotional hurt I had felt was lessened probably from the EMDR. But when I sad across him this time, I saw him differently. I felt sad but I also felt betrayed, unsafe, and a very big lack of safety. I think I now know why after reading that link above.

I remember like snapshot of the moment my T gave me a very cold look a long time ago, when he was anxious of his upcoming doctor's appoinment. He did say he was sorry, that it wasn't about me, it was him, I still in my mind wondered if he really did feel hate for me. Intellectially I can say, no he was just anxious. But when an abused child experiences repeated abuses from somebody they are suppose to trust, they pick up on "danger" signals easliy either mentally or physically. Well that T's look mad me very scared of him.

Then there is the sexual feelings in therapy, both mutual I believe. Intellectially I knew that was normal for me to have them, and for him I know they are human, and you can't help if the chemistry is there, it is there. But yet knowing what he was doing was wrong, (even if he was human), I think I learned to be wary of him. Maybe I thought if he would cross the line, then how can I trust him with my most deepest tramatic moments, without him taking advantage of me. The feelings felt great because I knew that if he was sexually attracted to me and would have liked to have sex with me, then he also must have liked me too. As a client, they need to feel accepted and liked to trust the therapist to do the deep work.

Also the fact he seemed uncomfortable with my feelings, showing feeling, and the way he redirected my feelings to distract me from them, I wonder if it made me feel it wasn't okay to share with him.

Then the last session were we were suppose to do EMDR. He had a bad weekend and had a heart doctor appointment ( i found out later), well I picked up on the anxiety from him. Now maybe the anxiety had nothing to do with me, but it made me protect myself I believe. Then part of me not being able to come up the the memories in whole, may have been my self protection, and I resisted going forward. I did mention portions of the abuse stuff that happened. I think I kept resisting that I can't do what he wants. Then he got frusterated with me, and when he yelled, it totally triggered me. Danger! For a split moment I felt he was going to hurt me. I started to cry and cover my face to hide from him like a child, if I can't see him he can't see me either. I need to hide to be safe. Then I remember telling him it feels like he hates me because he yelled at me. He then said I don't hate you. Then I said then you still like me. He said he thought that was a odd question to ask. He said you are a client, liking isn't an issue. It isn't like you are my sister, I don't care about you like someone in my personal life. I don't think about you outside of this office, if you died I wouldn't go to your funeral, etc. This hit me with a ton of bricks, the trust no longer was there. He was unsafe, can't trust him, he is fake.
Looking at him for the last time in my goodbye session, I still felt good about him, I truely do adore him, but I don't trust him anymore. He didn't feel safe. It is very conflicting feeling both of those at the same time.

When he crossed the boundries with some sexual comments I haven't talked about on Babble, it made me scared, how can I trust him, if he was going to do something wrong even if it felt good to both of us. With combination of winking and flirting along with those comments, athough he could argue his way out of it, that what I thought was going on wasn't really, because he was vary careful not to go too far past the line.
My sense of safety was contaminated already. Then with the stuff that happened at the end, the sence of safety was completely severed. I knew in my heart that I still cared about him very much, I was attached to him, but I knew I couldn't ever feel safe again to continue with therapy.
Now that a lot of the emotional stuff was processed with EMDR, I feel the intellicual thinking is making me see what really happened. I admit it is in hindsite, but still I think is significate.
Then when I told him about who my real T was, and the fact we did EMDR on what happened because of him, I think he is worried. He said, yeah we have know each other for over 20 years. Well I almost feel like they will gang up on me and my new T won't beleive what I am telling him. I know this is from my past, but it is what I am feeling. I do intend to talk about this with my new T.
It almost feels like when my mom would threatened me if I ever told. It feels the same almost, like telling my new T about this, somehow I am doing something wrong and bad because my new T won't belive me over his "friend of 20 years and a professional yet to boot".
No wonder I am exhausted . I woke up at 11 am today. I have never done that when going to be at a normal time. I am normally up by 6am. Plus I slept most to the day yesterday. I am feel so drained. Does any of this make any sense?
I am sorry there probably grammer and spelling mistakes above, I just don't have the energy to correct them.

 

Re: Afterthoughts about old T *triggers* » Happyflower 1 :-)

Posted by RealMe on August 25, 2007, at 15:13:29

In reply to Afterthoughts about old T *triggers*, posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 25, 2007, at 13:06:18

I am glad it worked out to have a last session. I think that in the long run I was able to let go of my last therapist too who I adored, but for crying out loud, the last thing I needed was ECT and to feel traumatized all over again. That is what is was like when I would go down to the recovery room where they did the ECT. I remember most of it and even seeing the machine next to me. That really bothered me.

Anyway, saying goodbye was the right thing to do for both of us. I could never trust my last therapist after he told me a year ago maybe I should look for someone else to see. I should have just done it. No, I told him basically I would do what ever he wanted me to do, and I did, and I got worse, and so I did what he wanted me to do, the ECT. I am so glad I have who I have now, and I hope as time goes on you will feel the same way about your new therapist.

For what it is worth, I sometimes miss my old therapist and would like to tell him how I am doing. I last saw him the first of May 07.

RealMe (OzLand)

 

Re: Afterthoughts about old T *triggers* » RealMe

Posted by muffled on August 25, 2007, at 22:50:18

In reply to Re: Afterthoughts about old T *triggers* » Happyflower 1 :-), posted by RealMe on August 25, 2007, at 15:13:29

HF, you are so strong.
T is crazymaking for T's AND clients I guess.
I must say I was so surprized at how many females went to male T's. I'm not sure I could do that. I would certainly have freaked if a male T made ANY even slightly sexual comments my way...
I still don't think your old T is all bad or anything, but I think it WAS time for you to walk away, and I am glad you recognized it, cuz he apparently was in denial...
I am glad things are going better for you.
Take care,
Muffled

 

raw emotions not good to post I think

Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 26, 2007, at 11:30:21

In reply to Afterthoughts about old T *triggers*, posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 25, 2007, at 13:06:18

I am thinking I shouldn't have posted this, but it is what I am feeling and thinking, but I feel like I did something wrong for coming out.

 

Re: raw emotions not good to post I think » Happyflower 1 :-)

Posted by RealMe on August 26, 2007, at 16:29:40

In reply to raw emotions not good to post I think, posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 26, 2007, at 11:30:21

Of course it is up to you what you want to post. I don't think you said anything to be ashamed of. It sounds like your old therapist really messed up, and I am sorry about that. I was not taken aback or anything like that. I don't think it makes you vulnerable either. If I lived near you, and of course I don't even know where that is or want to know, then I might want to know about such therapist.

Doesn't matter; I am keeping mine. He frustrates the heck out of me sometimes, but I trust him, and I know he won't ever do anything to hurt me. Making sexual comments to a patient IS HURTFUL becuase it just isn't appropriate. I wish this had never happened to you and that instead he could have explored what it was about that you felt that way, and then he should have gone to a colleague to explore what it was all about if he was having feelings for you because his feelings in that regard don't belong in therapy. Take care. YOu are definitely okay.

RealMe
(OzLand)


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