Posted by fiji on June 28, 2007, at 9:17:22
I don't know if anyone can help with this, or if I'm so far off the wall that I'm just lost, or totally perverted. But I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to cope.
So I'll start with the hard part first.
I was sexually abused by my father (and grandfather) when I was very young--started when I was two w/my grandfather, and after he died, it picked up with my father when I was four or five. I think it lasted until I was about nine, when he left our family for good.
I have peeled away the onion of my existance in therapy and think I've reached the core. I have these feelings that I cannot heal, and they cripple me everyday.
I have these waves of intense feelings that overcome me, and are obsessive now. They start off as intense sexual pleasure and then move to horrendous fear, at which point I cut the feelings off. This all happens in a matter of seconds. Then the wave starts again, and again; the feelings are unrelenting. I've tried to stay with the fear, and that leads me to the most horrifying things my father did to me. I have worked on the fear in T a lot, but the wave of feelings won't abate.
I didn't used to understand what these feelings were about and I used to find myself attracted to men who reminded me of my father, no matter how hard I tried to stay away. I've had some very hurtful experiences with these people, IMO because as someone said in another thread, these men had their own issues and couldn't, wouldn't have anything to do with me.
In the last couple of months, the feelings have settled to where they belong: with me. They are not about feelings I have for other people; these are feelings I have for my father. I know this, and I know this is very good; they are no longer displaced.
These waves of feelings encapsulate my feelings for my father. Here's the hard part for me--the intense sexual pleasure is what I felt when he did certain things to me (yuck, I can't believe I wrote it, but I know it's true, and I know it's just a young girl's body's reactions, it doesn't mean I'm evil, etc.) It's like the experiment with the baby duck--I was imprinted sexually by my father and I can't escape it. It's disgusting, because that feeling can never be fulfilled elsewhere.
So I wrestle with the intense shame, although rationally I know it's not me, it's what he did that was wrong.
So the ambivalence I feel about my father is all wrapped up in these waves of feelings and I don't know how to resolve them or escape them.
In the old days, this is when I would drink, when the feelings were so overwhelming that I couldn't deal with them anymore and I just had to find peace. I can't reiterate enough how unrelenting these feelings are.
But I don't drink anymore, so I don't get relief from them. Klonopin works, but the effective dose is not how I can live day to day. Plus, I'm afraid that I'll start abusing the Klonopin.
Also, I don't have access to my little girl anymore, not really. My Pdoc had me integrate them, and I'm not quite sure the timing was right. I can accept that I am one adult and that the girls are part of me, but I do need to resolve these feelings at both levels. But I'm afraid of my impulsive actions (taking a whole bottle of klonopin) before I can trace the feelings back.
My T has worked with me intensely on this, and she has been very helpful.
I don't know, maybe it's about separating the feelings out? That I can't face the fear alone without the pleasure???
Let me add that I have trouble expressing anger toward my father (he's dead) because of the good things (not the sexual) about him. I know this is a form of denial, and I'm working on it.
It's just that I hurt so bad, physically and emotionally all the time; I get no peace.
The kicker is that my life is really pretty good right now. Except for this, but I know getting to the core of my feelings is a great thing for my therapy but I'm so afraid that I won't make it through this.
sorry if I upset anyone. I don't expect anyone to be able to help, really. I'm talking and not hiding from the feelings and my T is fully aware of the full range of my feelings. It's tortuous.