Posted by DAisym on June 5, 2007, at 15:39:51
In reply to Re: Monday » DAisym, posted by Poet on June 5, 2007, at 12:35:11
Kitty is in the hospital...they put him in this morning for IV fluids. He is only 9 but has been with us since birth. We also have his litter-mate and she is frantic without him. She kept yelling at me this morning and all I could say to her was, "I'm worried about him too." Hopefully he will perk up soon.
My session this morning was awful. I tried to explain why I need to make sure everything is perfect for this visit but I wasn't making sense, even to me. My therapist wants the adult to recognize that she has the power now. I "know" that -- and I feel ridiculous for worrying about the garage or the refrigerator...who cares? But I get caught up in the worry that if I'm not perfect, I'll be punished and then left. Again -- ridiculous. After all, I'M angry with HIM...not the other way around. I shouldn't care that he gets angry. But I do and I get discombobulated about it. I kept trying to rise above the younger, frightened voices and agree that I am strong now and he has no power now. But the younger parts of me felt abandoned and my adult self felt criticized.
So I shut down and stopped talking. I wasn't crying anymore either, I was just sitting. After a few minutes, my therapist asked the standard "where did you go?" question...and I just shook my head. He asked me if I was feeling criticized and I didn't answer the question, I just said something about knowing he was right and I didn't have to be perfect. He said he was sorry if he gave me the impression that I shouldn't be rattled by my family - perhaps sometime I will feel strong enough to not let it get to me but I'm not there now. All I could do was nod my head. He tried a few more times, "tell me what is going on" & "in an hour, what will you call me to say?" -- and then gave up again. With 5 minutes left he said, "you just aren't going to talk huh?" and I said, "I don't know what to say." And then I stood up and said, "so I'll just go." And I went - in tears, practically running. He sounded so frustrated and angry.
I couldn't talk because what I wanted to say was, "leave me alone!" I can't work on my stuff right now. I want to kill off all the younger parts so that the adult can remain calm and strong. And yet I want to protect all these feelings and memories because it took so long to get them back. I wanted to say, "you protect them and I'll take care of the rest of this" but I know he expects me to do that. I did say I was sorry this visit was so hard for him and for me. I can see that he is afraid for me and wants to help. I know that best thing is to be the grown up I know how to be. So why do I want to fling myself on the ground screaming, "no - don't touch me!" and have my therapist scoop me up and put me in a safe time out?
Yes - I can see the transference. If I don't do therapy perfect, if I don't do what I think my therapist wants, he'll drop me. If I don't make everything perfect for this visit, if I don't do what my family wants, they will abandon me. It has already been done once...so I'm justified in my fear that it will happen again.
Oh...and he called after I left. He said he was sad the session went the way it did and that I left so upset. He said he really had hoped to strengthen our connection this week, not make it harder for me. He said a bunch of other stuff and asked me to call him and let him know I'm OK. I haven't called, I'm not OK. But he doesn't deserve to worry either.
This s*cks.
poster:DAisym
thread:761101
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/761369.html