Posted by DAisym on June 4, 2007, at 0:03:38
In reply to Daisy??, posted by sunnydays on June 3, 2007, at 21:10:51
Yesterday I didn't get out of bed until noon, and then I mopped floors and washed windows. I eventually wandered down to the library and lost myself in a book sale. Last night I stayed up late reading a very old text called, "How to become a Psychiatrist." It was entertaining and there was a lot of wisdom in it.
Today I did laundry, cleaned out the garage and went to my office for awhile. Today was much harder than yesterday. I had nightmares so I couldn't sleep in. I kept feeling someone get into bed with me and I would jerk awake. Ick.
I've also been baking...:) My son is very happy. His brother's are not -- he called them and said, "mom must be stressed out because she made cinnamon roles and cup cakes yesterday and waffles and three kinds of cookies today. And I'm eating them ALL." Sibling rivalry at its finest.
Tonight I've been writing, which is good and bad. I'm writing down the things we've worked on but that triggers a bunch of angry responses that I then write down as well. And I've written several "just in case" letters -- which made me sad but also helps me see that not everything in my life has been touched and tainted by all the old ugliness.
I haven't called in - I thought it about it once today. But I know my therapist is out there if it gets overwhelming. It is a real push/pull for me. Sometimes I can pretend I'm fine with all of this and the anxiety settles down. But I can't pretend with my therapist so I want to avoid him. I know that won't work for long...I feel like such a drama queen. All this angst, all this planning, all these tears. If I was strong enough, I would just refuse to go to these family events. But I still need to be the good daughter. I know I can't have it both ways - I need to either get over all of this and have a relationship with my family, or I stay angry and give up those relationships. Being in the middle like this isn't good for me or for them. I feel stuck though - maybe I need a swift kick?
Thank you for thinking of me. I'm trying hard not to make all of this a bigger deal than it is, especially since so many people here are having to face much harder things. (I know, I know, don't compare.) Babble always helps me, even if indirectly.
poster:DAisym
thread:761101
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/761133.html