Posted by crushedout on April 19, 2007, at 14:23:00
In reply to :-) (nm) » 10derHeart, posted by crushedout on April 19, 2007, at 13:38:13
OK, I saw my T and unloaded all the craziness of the past 24 hours which has had me reeling. A lot of it has nothing to do with the blog but the blog is a piece of the insanity.
I've decided not to be paranoid because I have very little to be ashamed of. My ex-T has a lot to be ashamed of, and I think anyone who thoroughly reads the archives on this site would probably agree. Except her because she seems to have a way of justifying all of her behavior.
The only thing I'm really ashamed of doing is posting a comment on her blog anonymously which was purely provocative and not productive. I was responding to a piece of a post in which she reiterated something she told me many times in our sessions to justify her behavior toward me: that whenever she did something untherapeutic, that just showed me that she was a flawed person and that the world wasn't centered around me so it taught be to "understand multiple perspectives."
This seems like such a weak justification (I mean, does it justify *any* bad behavior on the part of the therapist? she draws no lines about what is going too far) that it's not even worth addressing. But yesterday it made me so mad that I lashed out and told her she was a danger to her patients and that I pity them.
I was pitying myself of course, in part, but not so much since I managed to "break free" of her years ago (although obviously I am not still free yet) by leaving her and getting a T with boundaries. What about the poor patients who don't find the strength to do that? I do pity them if they are out there, because God knows it was hard for me to leave her.
Anyway, this sparked an entire new post by her about my "hate mail" and then even her husband chimed in with a comment, declaring that I was like a hit and run driver except I was the only one who got hit and then I ran to hide in a hole.
How twisted is this?
I can't get over how twisted it is. It's all sort of unreal. I am putting it all out there because even if she figures out what happened and figures out who I am and reads all the archives, so what? Good. She should know what effect she has on her patients and maybe that's the best way for her to understand it: to "overhear" the conversations I had with all of you, which for the most part were very supportive and understanding and productive.
I did get free after all. I mean, I did develop a new relationship with a new T whom I can trust.
Let her read it.
The truth is she probably never will and I am still left with wanting to get this off my chest. Wanting to tell her to her face just how destructive her actions have been. I think she has no idea. The truth is that I don't hate her, really, at all. I almost feel really sorry for her at this point because she's so clearly damaged goods.
I don't know what I will do next. My T thinks it's all up to me--she thinks my ex-T and her husband are so screwy that they would probably have me over for dinner if I pursued it, and God knows what else. But what do I want out of this? That's what she asked me. And I'm really not sure yet. I know I won't go over there for dinner, but I do consider a face-to-face meeting with the ex-T, or a letter, or an email, just letting her know what really happened, why I left, and why what she is doing is dangerous.
Because it really is.
poster:crushedout
thread:751291
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/751363.html