Posted by Honore on March 14, 2007, at 7:06:37
In reply to Re: Looking into the Abyss » Dinah, posted by Daisym on March 14, 2007, at 1:25:25
Maybe you feel guilty about your T's wife, or afraid that she could take him away-- but I think it's still you who needs to give yourself permission.
She's a stand-in, maybe for your mother, but mostly for your own sense of blaming yourself for needing and wanting your T's love.
It's understandable that when you're with your family, you can't act "reasonably" and "generously"-- maybe you're reliving your childhood, and finally thinking that you deserve something different from whatyou had then-- indifference or insensibility to your pain.
Maybe a death seems to demand some "better" response-- but how can it, when you haven't resolved the pain and hurt from all the other years? Maybe this is different, intellectually== but emotionally, maybe it feels the same.
With a list like yours, I'd find looking into the abyss a bit of a relief. At least you forget your troubles and burdens for those few minutes. Not that it's worth it, or helps, over all-- but it's a kind of break.
Just know that that's what it is-- not really looking, but looking more to take your mind off a mountain of scary, hard things.
Maybe your T's wife wouldn't like it if she knew-- but she doesn't and won't. Your T has made a commitment to you that's inviolable. He won't let her know, because he knows his abilities and choices, and how to sustain them. He won't let you down; and he won't let her down either. Sometimes that's a loss, but it's also what makes everything between you possible and okay.
The person who needs to know that, and to accept it is you-- he already does. If you do, too, it really will become okay.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:740611
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/740913.html