Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 13, 2007, at 11:38:10
In reply to Looking into the Abyss, posted by Daisym on March 13, 2007, at 1:39:27
> I fell apart tonight in a way that I haven't for a few months. As much as it hurts to tell the stories, or as scary as it is to feel the rage, nothing compares with the loneliness that descends sometimes.
*I wrote that to T once. How we ultimately alone and stuff like that. She said I was a philosopher, and I wasn't wrong. I stuggle with my faith, cuz if I had good strong faith then I would know Jesus is with me, and sometimes I DO know, but sometimes I hate God too....its very confusing. So sometimes, when I feel real alone, I visualize that kid, she sitting there w/Jesus, and He DON'T touch her, but after awhile, she sometimes gets up the nerve to lean against Him, and it feels nice. Its OK. And then she not so alone.
>
> There was a death in my family a week or so ago. The impact was significant and all my siblings and I gathered together to support our mother and take care of things. But being with them felt suffocating to me. There were too many triggers and too much free floating grief -- sometimes I just had to get out of there. I found myself furious at all these people who knew me as a child -- why didn't they see I was suffering and stop to find out why? Was I so unimportant that I wasn't worth a second glance?**yeah. WHY? Thats been my word of the week. WHY? Its in big letters all over my journal lately. But I guess we don't get to know why right now. We just have to accept it was, and learn to cope I suppose...
>
> And I'm furious with myself for making it all about me. Why can't I put all this crap aside for awhile and just be there for my family, be with them as we grieve together? And some how I've lost my internalized therapist. He can't go with me around my family. They mess up everything that is important to me so he has to stay hidden from them, so that they don't take him away from me. But I feel angry with him too -- why can't he protect me from this enormous hurt? I hate this artificial relationship in which I feel safe for a little while. But reality comes knocking and there is no way to ignore the limitations of his care.**Faith, we have to have faith. In a higher power, or in our own power to care for ourselves. But give yourself a break Daisy, family stuff is hard for most people it would seem, w/o the addittional stuff. I think you have done well to be there AT ALL.
I remember one christmas, I dunno why it was so hard, but I couldn't be there, I ended up in another room, essentially hiding, it was awful. I think if it happens again, then this time I would just say I am unwell and leave. Cuz there was no point in my being there. And sometimes we have to make these choices to preserve ourselves, and it OK to do so. Just cuz people can't SEE the illness doesn't mean its not there, it IS. And its not our fault, its just the way our lives are.
>
> I made a list of stressors, trying to prove to myself that I have enough reasons to feel this bad and this overwhelmed:
> 1) Death of a loved one
> 2) Huge business crisis that has dragged on for 2 years without resolution and just when I thought that finally, finally we'd be done with it, I found out today that the rules changed in December and we aren't done with it.
> 3) just finished three separate audits at work and now we have a state site visit (tomorrow). So therapy gets pushed aside. Again.
> 4) getting a divorce that includes a custody battle
> 5) someone forged a check and drained my checking account. The bank agrees it is fraud and will put the money back, (in 10 days) but I had to close the account, cancel the credit cards and re-open everything. So I have no checks, no ATM, no CC, etc. for a week or more.
> 6) flashbacks, memories and other fun fall out of csa
> 7) I'm dreaming over and over that I've killed my therapist. All the ways are different, but inevitably he ends up dead. I wake up and that is it for sleep for the night.
> 8) I have three major presentations over the next 14 days that I'm not ready for.
> 9) I have my PhD fellowship project due in a month and I'm not done with that either.
>
> Yeah -- just shoot me. Even I can see that this list is too long and would make anyone insane. I'm going to finish self-medicating and put myself to bed before I can do any real damage. Thanks for listening,
> Daisy
>
**Never would shoot ya Daisy. I like you. Yup, this is an insane list.
Please take special care of yourself as you try and get thru it.
And don't worry so much about supporting your family, they can take care of themselves.
And mebbe you can tell yourself, and your little ones and/or bigger ones inside, that you doing amazing. This is hard, hard times. But you making it. You talking and working thru it. You are a good person who helps others. You have raised wonderful kids. You have lotsa love in you. You have made it this far and you gonna make it further. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, and sometimes unfortunately, mebbe second to second.
But it will pass this hard times, and get easier.
This is truth.
Take care.
poster:Iwillsurvive
thread:740611
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/740681.html