Posted by mair on January 26, 2007, at 15:52:24
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? » wishingstar, posted by Daisym on January 26, 2007, at 0:00:45
Daisy - when I first started obsessing about suicide, my T didn't even factor into the equation. It never occurred to me that she would care. Later, after I'd been seeing her for awhile, I discovered myself worrying about how it might affect her. At first, this was just annoying. Trying to go through the mental process of deciding whether or not to kill myself was confusing and tiring enough, without adding a new complication. When I'm not feeling so desparate, I view it as a good thing - an additional safety valve, that I feel a responsibility to this person.
The other thing I'd say is that while I've never been hospitalized, there have been a couple of times when my T has thrown it out there for discussion. When she first suggested it, I was pretty horrified and totally brushed her off. (so horrified that I went right back to my office and started researching the laws about involuntary hospitalizations). I posted something about it here, and a few people were able to relate positive experiences - at least enough for me to reconsider my kneejerk reaction.
When I was at my suicidal worst, what snapped me out of it was a meds change, and a ridiculously simple one at that. I didn't take a new drug, I just made the slightest modification to the way I was taking one of my drugs and it made this huge difference. I don't know what you're taking, if anything. Have changes been considered?
I'm concerned about the things you've been writing lately. I know you're pretty high functioning at work. I imagine it gets to be exhausting to be one person at work and maybe to your family, when you feel that you're an entirely different person otherwise. I certainly know how draining it can be to have this huge gulf between the interior you and the exterior you. It might not be such an awful thing to have people taking care of you for awhile.
And BTW - I've come to believe that the Admin Board can be the instrument of the devil - best ignored, particularly if when you're feeling vulnerable. It's much safer here.
mair
poster:mair
thread:726366
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/726798.html