Posted by mair on January 11, 2007, at 22:10:51
In reply to Tonight - trigger (suicide), posted by Daisym on January 11, 2007, at 1:31:16
Oh Daisy - I wish I could reach across the great divide to hug you and somehow get you to see that things will be better. I think I've been where you are. It's always seemed strange to me that there are times when the worse I feel, the less I want to see my T, or at least the less I want to talk to her. I think some of that is shame - shame that I'm so bad at therapy after so many years; shame about feelings that seem so juvenile to me; shame about feeling suicidal when there are so many people so worse off - I think the list could go on for awhile. But beyond the shame is also the fear that my T just won't want to deal with me anymore, or worse still, that she'll decide that terminating me is in my own best interest because she's not helping me enough. And, like you, I've worried that my feelings of need are just manipulative.
All I can say is that ultimately, I end up telling my T all of these things and while there is little that I can take in sometimes, I generally end up feeling better for having been honest with her. We've been around this bend enough times, she and I, that I'm no longer afraid that she's going to try to lure me into a hospital if I tell her what I'm really thinking, and she has gained enough trust in me to feel pretty safe that I'm not going to impulsively hurt myself without contacting her.
You have so much on your plate it's no small wonder you're feeling overwelmed - and what's worse than feeling so overwelmed and so inadequate and not feeling that you can really lean on your T?
What helps me some (and I recognize that it can feel like nothing will help) is almost anything that will lure me out of my own head. Great diversions frequently don't do the trick as well as innocent encounters - like the unsolicited hug you got from your son, or just being physically close to someone without necessarily talking, or for that matter, losing yourself in some stupid TV show or movie so you can forget for a few moments why you're so miserable.
And when all else fails, try to hold onto the memory that there have been times when you've felt even worse than you do now, and you've gotten through them. For me suicidal feelings are like waves - they come at me in continuous waves and I just have to ride them out.
Please keep talking here.
mair
poster:mair
thread:720957
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721520.html