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im still around

Posted by wishingstar on November 27, 2006, at 16:43:25

deputies, i just accidentally posted this on the eating board. I reposted it here when I realized, so can one of you please delete it on that board? It's the exact same post and I dont want to confuse anyone. Thanks.

I'm still around. I'm so sorry to have come, received support, and ran away.. that seems to be a pattern of mine but it is NOT because I dont care or appreciate the help. I just dont know how to relate to people and for the most part, just dont, I guess. I'm sorry. You all are wonderful.

I guess I'll give a brief update. I've been on the lithium for a few weeks now, and amazingly enough, it seemed to help a bit at 600mgs. I had moments where I felt better than I can ever remember feeling. But I had to cut back to 300mg recently, and the effect is mostly gone. I just feel a little blunted now.. but that is better than nothing. The suicidal feelings are still very much there, but not quite as urgent as a few weeks ago. I had to cut back because for the first time in my life, I was having panic attacks and lots of anxiety. I was very irritable and snapping at people all the time. None of these thinga are like me. Cutting back to 300mgs seems to have helped. The doctor was perplexed because those arent generally related to lithium, but I dont know how else to explain it. I see him again tomorrow.

I'm also continuing to see Ginny who I still love. The connection feeling isnt really there like I had with Anne and Laurie, and I miss that.. but in a way, I think it's a good thing. It keeps me from living session to session as much as I have in the past. She is very good though and I do like her a lot. Last week I told her she was hitting against something that was too hard, and rather than saying I wanted her to do all the work (like anne used to), she thanked me for being honest and said I was brave to tell her that. That felt good.

I think I've mostly moved on from the abandonment by Anne. Ginny and I spent 2 sessions talking about it. The first was spent trying to connect it to my family - the "this is your issue" approach. Finally, on the verge of tears, I told her I knew that but it just didnt matter. What Anne did was WRONG and it doesnt matter how I grew up, it doesnt change it. Of course that didnt happen until the end of the session (why do big moments always happen that way?) The next session, we talked again and I told her how devalidating it feels to have everyone blow my pain regarding this off as just being transference or "my problem". We had a conversation about how therapists dont generally react and that lack of reaction doesnt necessairly mean anything.. it doesnt mean that what she did was okay. Ginny said "shed never have done it that was herself" and "it may have been unprofessional". Very vague statements, but it was enough. I felt like she was telling me that yes, it was wrong, even given all my "stuff". In a way, that's all I needed to hear to start letting it go. Of course you all had told me that a million times, and that helped a great deal, but I needed it from a professional.

Apparently Ginny spoke to Anne on the phone a few weeks ago. She said Anne was interested to hear how I was doing. Anne said that she thought there were a lot of transference issues and that was why her and I didnt work out. I just wanted to cry hearing that. She's just on her own planet! I'm sure some of the issues were transference.. but goodness. Why didnt she address that when I was there then? And she also told Ginny that she thinks my seeing Laurie over the summer was partially why our relationship dissolved. The part that upsets me about that is that Anne and I discussed for weeks whether or not seeing Laurie was the best idea, and Anne would never give me a straight opinion. Oviously she had one, and had she just told me it, I likely wouldnt have gone and seen Laurie. Ugh. Transference or not, some of my reasons for being upset with her were very real. It still hurts when I drive by her office and see her car there.. I still get a twinge of "Anne, help me, take care of me"-like feelings... but I wont act on it. It's just a feeling. That is probably the transference piece. I'm considering writing her a letter and stating my feelings on those issues I just wrote about in a professional, matter-of-fact way, but I havent decided yet whether it's a good idea. I wouldnt expect or even want a response.

Therapygirl, I'd be interested in your thoughts on that since your situation was so similar... I'd also be interested in any thoughts you have now, looking back on your situation, about how to get past it? I do think I have made some big steps towards moving on, but I'm not there yet. What would you say helped you the most? The least? Any wisdom would be very appreciated... I'm so sorry to hear you went through something similar, but it does help to know I'm not alone. You are really the best.

Otherwise, I guess I'm doing okay. I'm just sad. Today is the lowest I've felt in probably 2 weeks, so I'm afraid I'm on the downward spiral again. I just want my mommy... I think my inner child is lonely and screaming and crying these days. Of course I dont want my REAL mom - shed be no comfort. I just want to be loved like a mom loves her little girl, odd as that sounds.


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poster:wishingstar thread:707934
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