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Heheheh... » Lindenblüte

Posted by Racer on October 22, 2006, at 16:16:03

In reply to Re: Thank you all, and in response to » Racer, posted by Lindenblüte on October 22, 2006, at 15:26:35

> After careful consideration, my husband has decided that I am a chestnut.
> Why?
> "I dunno, I never had a chestnut"
> Why did you say I'm a chestnut?!?
> "I think you should be peanuts."

And yet he never considered you a cashew? Complex in shape, texture, and taste? Delicious and sweet? That was my first thought for you...

> So, you worry that because you've got a number stamped on your forehead, you've got less right to suffer or feel? That your feelings are either real to you in the moment, or complete lunacy when the feeling has passed? That doctors will call you a hypochondriac, in terms of your mental symptoms? Do you take your own feelings seriously?

By Jove, I think she's on to something! Yeah, that's getting closer to the problem. And remember: I can't define the problem, it's kinda like the square root of 2... And no, I don't think I do take my own feelings seriously.

> Sorry for that interrogation :( I hate interrogating!

Actually, in this case, interrogate away. Again -- this is fear without ratios, the more interrogation, the closer I get to defining it, which helps me build a plan to combat it.

> Is this a problem about Racer interpreting her Self, or a problem about Racer's Self being misinterpreted by her new pdoc?

It's largely a problem with Racer's Self's interpretation of her new pdoc's possible interpretations and misinterpretations of said Self... Much less existential, and much more distrustful.

All of it probably relates to my general and generic fear of having to ask for something or trust someone to provide something to help meet my needs. It's all part of my pattern of trying NOT to need, because that's easier than having unfulfilled needs because no one came through for me. At least, I think it is. I think that's got a lot to do with all this.

Of course, I've got a painful tension in my upper throat which usually indicates to me that I'm hiding something else from myself, so who knows what it's really about...

> I'm confused. Not that I'm not ALWAYS confused, but I thought this was an existential crisis. Now I'm not convinced that it is? or maybe not? or maybe has some elements of existential crisis? or?

Dunno. I'm living in a state of confusion, so I guess we might be neighbors? I'm living in Confusion, at the intersection of Fear and Shame. Are you in the area? Maybe we can have tea.

> Remember that your body is different than it was the last time you took those drugs. Ask your pdoc if you can do a slow, even titration, rather than go up in big stages or start right away at a therapeutic dose.

Honestly, my terror of these drugs doesn't seem to be dose-dependent. I suspect that my problems are just as bad no matter what the actual effects of the drug. I'm thinking right now that it probably makes sense to try to hit a therapeutic window as fast as possible, because if it actually treats the anxiety, *that's* what's going to reduce my panic.

He said that if he started me on Zoloft, he'd start me at 12.5mg, half the lowest dose made. I'm afraid that doing that means that I'll never reach a therapeutic dose, because I'll freak out too much to titrate up to it before I stop taking it. No matter what dose I start with, I'm likely to need just as much support to get through the adjustment phase, because of the very symptom this is designed to treat.

> Remember that your new pdoc may be like my pdoc, who gives me one med to help me with the side effects of the other drug ... etc. You may not have to suffer with the same sideeffects that you did earlier, especially if you use a few drugs that "augment" I LOVE that word! each other.

That's another part of the trouble: I do know the drugs available to treat the side effects I've had in the past -- and I know their side effects, too. It's thinking about all that that leaves me ready to stick with Wellbutrin -- and being subject to week long anxiety attacks. {sigh}

> Hope your homework got done in little chunks in between your squirrel running around in the limbs and frantically burying acorns.

Actually, I arranged with one instructor to retake an exam I not only "failed" by my own standards, but came very close to failing by ANY standards. I managed that on Friday, yesterday I got caught up in the past due work, and today in the current work, all in that one class. Some of it is pretty shoddy work, but even if it's not perfect, it is completed and that's what I was aiming at.

Now I'm taking a break before doing the homework due tomorrow in the other class, after which I'll try to get caught up in actually understanding what I'm doing in that class. (This is where some cognitive effects of the hormones I was on earlier in the term have really bitten my backside. Even things I know I understood two months ago seem to be lost -- it's like I can "feel" them right outside grasping range. VERY frustrating.)

Thank you, my elliptical BabbleBuddie.




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