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Re: Am I The Only One That Thinks This Is Bizarre? » flame

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 13, 2006, at 19:10:57

In reply to Am I The Only One That Thinks This Is Bizarre?, posted by flame on October 13, 2006, at 14:52:24

Well, one option that I can think of is kind of like an allowance program. Your son has the ability to work. However, he is probably distracted, impulsive and difficult to employ. Has he tried working for temp agencies? These places often hire people who may be great employees at times, but unstable employees in the long run. It might give your son some positive structure in his life if he signs up to do a job that has expectations (hours, dress, behavior), but not where he feels like he is entrapped in some awful place until the end of time.

An option that may work (although I'm not that confident) is to pay your son to do household chores, either for your household for around the neighborhood. Mowing lawns, planting, cleaning gutters, raking leaves, washing cars. This kind of employment is physical, active and would provide him with cash, which is fairly easy to conceal from the relevant authorities, while still giving your son a feeling of autonomy and accomplishment. The danger in this, however, is that your son will take the money for granted, and not do his job as well as someone who respects doing this type of work well. It will also demand a great deal of organization and a unified front from you and your husband.

Your son is clever. If he wants money, he's stealing it. Maybe he's already been stealing from you for years. He may end up finding other forms of high-risk profiteering as he becomes accustomed to certain luxuries.

Little kids little problems. Big kids big problems.

Does he realize that he's a guest in your household? Does he help with dishes and taking out the garbage? Does he pull his weight? My guess is no... so, paying him would in a sense, be rewarding him for his behavior.

I'm not sure how reasonable THIS suggestion is, but-- why not pay for your son's bills and such using your son's money? If he cannot afford it, you should hold a meeting where the bills and fines and such are tallied up. Compare these bills to something that your son values- tuition? a new car? some toy? a trip he'd like to take? and tell him that the consequences of his actions are endangering the support that his parents give him. Give him numbers and compare it to something that he values (everyone values SOMETHING!!). Tell him what bankruptcy is, and how it will affect his ability to be able to lease an apartment, finance a car, or get a student loan. Tell him that he's headed that direction, because he does not have access to an endless supply of money.

Finally, throw him a lifeline. Tell him that if he ever has an uncontrollable urge to steal something or committ a criminal act, that he will be able to call someone and count on someone to help him find a safe place where he will not have access to these triggers. Perhaps he regrets his actions after the fact, but in the height of the moment, he doeesn't feel that he has anyone he can reach out to for help. Maybe that person can be his therapist. Maybe one of his parents is strong enough to take on this role. It might help him- just to know- that someone is there for him, even when he is feeling like a bad person, that they still care for him.

sounds extremely difficult. I don't know if I have given you any good advice at all, but I DO know that the most important thing is to keep your son motivated to stay on the right path and let him know that when he falls, that he has the strength to get up and keep moving, that he shouldn't ever give up on himself.





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