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I don't know what I want

Posted by Daisym on October 2, 2006, at 23:42:53

Last Thursday, my therapist said he wished good things for me. He wanted me to have sweet things in my life - things that made me smile. He said that at the end of the session, sort of out of nowhere.

I asked him today where that came from. He said he suddenly felt it - deeply felt from his heart that he wanted me to be happy. And he wanted me to know that he wanted that for me. But he said he did wondered afterward if it would freak me out and if I would take it to mean he wished I would hurry up and be done with therapy.

Actually I thought about it a bunch of ways. It touched me but it made me sad too. I felt his caring, but it also seemed clear that he doesn't think of himself when he thinks of good things in my life. At least not like I do. I know what he meant. I just have a hard time seeing myself trusting anyone like I trust him. Or wanting to. He said he thinks that will change - maybe very slowly - but eventually. For now he'd just like to see me work less and play more. I told him I don't know how to play anymore -- everything feels so serious. He said we could work on that too - he is going to give me homework - a prescription to play. I said it sounds dangerous. He grinned - and said, "good."

I miss him tonight. First time in weeks I've felt this sort of tender sadness after a session. Geez, I'm not happy when I'm not connected to him...and now, what? I'm not happy being connected either? *sigh* Therapy is so hard.

 

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poster:Daisym thread:691370
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/691370.html