Posted by Lindenblüte on September 22, 2006, at 17:35:19
In reply to time and love » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on September 22, 2006, at 17:00:13
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> I'm pretty sure I loved them. I just don't really have positive emotions, and so I worry that I could get things confused. But,....No I must have loved them, and they are the only people in all my years of living who I would say that about. If you were weak in my home you got made fun of or attacked, so I only learned to say "I love you" to them when I was in my second treatment program. Even though they meant the world to me, I just couldn't say it. It felt like if I said it, someone would kick me or something. But I did. I even taught my sister too. It took her longer -- she's worse than me. I'm so grateful that I was able to learn how to say it before everybody started dying. And they were the only people who we could touch until we got into late-teens. Yes, I love them and I don't care if I could be making it up or confusing it with something else. I Know I am only alive today because of them.
> (((((((grandparents)))))))OMG- that's exactly right. I have that same feeling with my family. I have 2 grandparents that get the hugs. and 2 that get the anti-hugs. the ughs.
Even now, when my parents say "we love you, we're so proud of you" to me on the phone, I get this bitter taste in my mouth. It takes all of my resolve to respond "appropriately" 'Love you too! bye. click' screw my face up in a grimace, and wonder what kind of ungrateful daughter I am. Love was an emotion to be punished, because it demonstrated an essential weakeness- an attachment to another person- the weakness that you couldn't "make it on your own". In-dependence. I feel sick to my stomach right now.
gotta go. triggered myself. dammit.
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688241.html