Posted by llrrrpp on August 30, 2006, at 21:04:30
In reply to Re: Ouch my head hurts » llrrrpp, posted by Daisym on August 30, 2006, at 18:59:59
> I'm sorry about your mom - she's lucky to have you care so much about her. I hope she finds another job soon. And I'm sorry to hear your dad is so ill, that is hard on everyone.
yeah. this topic... been taking up a lot of real estate in my psyche.
> When I think about crying in therapy I think about it as crying *with* my therapist...not "in front of" him. It helps and it allows me to feel his holding and his caring, instead of thinking he is waiting for me to finish so we can move on. Only once have I accused him of "sitting over there watching me, not helping" but I said that because at the time I desperately wanted him to hold me and let me cry on his shoulder. He was hurt, said it sounded so cold. He really is pretty great about being with me at those times, he talks gently and says things like, "you need to cry, those tears have waited a long time to come out in a safe place." He could probably recite the alphabet and I'd still love it...it is his tone and how soothing he sounds.
That's really nice, Daisy. I'm glad that your T can help you like that. I wonder if my T has that in his repertoire. I'm not sure... I did notice that in the moment where I went from fluent speech to tear choked words he totally paused and just waited, which was nice. Since he's gotten to know me a bit better, there haven't been a lot of big pauses like that. Actually, now that I think about it, his body language changed too. He put both feet on the floor and leaned towards me a little bit. I think my session went about 10 minutes long too. A lot of stuff this afternoon.
>
> Anyway -- (blush) I guess I'm sharing all this because you won't know how it really feels unless you give your therapist the opportunity to show you that they can make it safe enough for you to cry and feel what you really feel.Yes. It's true. I can only cry comfortably in front of a very few people, and T is not among them. (disclaimer- for me, crying is rarely comfortable, but at least the act of crying doesn't cause any additional distress in front of my husband, or, once upon a time, my mom)
> And about dreading going...still -- after 3 years(!) -- and clearly I'm hugely attached to my therapist -- I get nervous and anxious about going. It isn't about facing him - it is the mirror he holds up and the depth of pain we are plumbing.
I'm so glad to hear this. I feel like such a neophyte to all of this stuff. And to hear posts on the psych. board about therapist love and people who see their T's several times a week, and who have spent years together-- well, I just felt like I'm not really passionate or emotional or? suited to do therapy. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel so small and vulnerable when I check in for my appt. Takes me at least 5 minutes (or a few weeks) to get over my therapy terror. Once I had an anxiety attack. Seriously. I never had an anxiety attack at the dentist's office, or the gyno? Why T?
Would it be easier if I lied and pretended that everything was fine? made up a little song and dance every week? stored up the memorably amusing, trite things that happened for easy and non-emotional regurgitation? Am I only bringing up the dredges because I like to suffer?
I've got issues today. man. I'm in some kind of psycho mood.
Well, thanks for your kind feedback. Your words mean a lot to me, especially since they come from your experience.
yours,
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:681522
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/681608.html