Posted by caraher on August 30, 2006, at 16:54:02
In reply to meltdown **triggers, posted by ElaineM on August 30, 2006, at 15:52:15
> I feel like cr@p today -- sooo guilty. I got another letter today. He has no idea that any of this is happening. He thinks so much of me, he apoligized for putting me on the spot with that "scary" email. I'm going to ruin him.
Nonsense. If he's ruined he gets all the credit.
Suppose you had a friend who was the victim of a crime perpetrated by someone close to her. What would you tell your friend if she said, "I'm going to report this to the police, but I feel bad because I'll ruin him." Would it be your friend's fault for telling the authorities, or the perpetrator's fault for committing the crime?
>I hate myself so much I can't stand it. He only wants me to know how real people relate and feel for each other.
Trust us on this. That's NOT all he wants. If it were he would not have made the kinds of demands on you that he has. "Real people" get angry when someone, even a lover or friend, becomes manipulative. If you want practice at "real" relationships this is part of it!
> How can I take the only good feelings a real person has for me and throw them away like garbage - or as though I had an abundance of others who cared. How can do it? how.
You do have others who care... and there are people you've yet to meet who will care. I know it'll be hard, but don't be ruled by fear.
> I HATE MYSELF. I wish I was gone.We love you. I love you. We would miss you terribly. Your self-hatred is undeserved.
> I do want someone to love me. I want love alot - I've had too long without!
I agree that you need and deserve love. But you need a better love than your T can give you.
> Why should I be so picky. Ugly girl. Stupid. Crazy.
I really do wonder what you look like. To hear you talk I picture a sort of female Stephen Hawking. My guess is that your self-image is far, far uglier than reality! And that goes beyond the physical. You're a very beautiful person with the way you offer support here, and are so reluctant to see anyone in pain (even if they "earned" some!). You have a college degree and say intelligent things; you're definitely not stupid. And as for crazy... you've lived under highly abnormal and unhealthy circumstances. You're doing quite well in many ways despite enduring a lifetime of hatred or indifference.
>Others have been worse to me, and got more.
Right. This is what's called progress. No more exploitation.
> Oh. Why is this happening? I can't take it. I want to email LadyT, but I don't want to kill her too.I don't think it's possible to send a bomb through email, so even if you had evil intentions you're highly unlikely to kill her! ;)
Seriously, she's a professional. She can handle it. Please contact her. She may come up with ways to help you you and I wouldn't think of.
> This woman Friday is going to think I'm an idiot.Don't try to gaze into the future. Your vision is darker than reality. She's there to help; if she thought everyone with a problem is an idiot she needs to find a new line of work!
> I feel so stupid. I hope I don't cry infront of her, cause tears are stupid and ugly like me.
You can't believe tears are stupid without believing, I dare say, everyone who reads this is stupid for tears they've shed. El, you're not at all stupid or ugly, and your tears would be sad, not stupid. She may find your tears tug at her heart and make her want to comfort you, rather than dislike you.
> I don't want this to be happening like this. I am so confused -- I'm afraid and not, wanting to hide from and run to him, want someone to take me away and also be alone, and want someone to love me and also hurt me. I want to die. And on top of everything, I had a disgusting binge today and I've only ever had two in my life before (when I was in the 80 range). It's gross -- guess I'm definately (obviously) not anorexic anymore :-( I want someone to shoot me with a tranquilizer.
(((El))) Yes, this is a very hard, confusing situation. It's OK that you haven't got it all figured out. When you get the right help, which you don't have now, perhaps you'll get a better idea of what you want and need.
We're here pulling for you!
poster:caraher
thread:680627
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/681523.html