Posted by ElaineM on August 29, 2006, at 9:43:11
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((((((((((((((El))))))))))))))))))), posted by llrrrpp on August 29, 2006, at 5:07:42
I just heard from the woman and she said I can come on Friday -- it's right after my T appointment (which I have to go to. I just do) She said she doesn't like that I'm not really a student anymore, but she can't turn people away (that's why she said she'll see me at least once). I don't think she can turn anyone away - even someone off the street who's never been in the school, I think she must try and at least connect them to the appropriate resources. I wish soooo much that I had the money to buy more school. I could stay with this woman AND get to keep LadyDoctor (who I miss so much it feels like lead in my stomach). I want safe people who don't hate me in my life :-( I am glad that I didn't take T's money cause it would take me forever to pay back, but I wish I had it from somewhere else.
I'm going to do a group answer and group hug
((((((((((((((((((Falls, Sunny, Caraher, Frida[nice to meet you :-)], Muffly, Lurp))))))))))))))))))))I think that my T wanted me to drink more because that's the way I was in the past -- before I was concerned that alcoholic drinks were calories. I drank to deaden the anxiety a little, and let me not care what was happening to me, or around me -- stuff like that. He probably wanted me to do it more again cause nothing else had worked with me. I tried drinking some recently and, I guess from being on so much antibiotics, and the infection being all through my head and neck, I was unable to tolerate anything. One glass and I started having the worst headache ever. It was too hard with all the vertigo I was already having.
But to be fair, I don't think he meant for me to combine the two -- more like one or the other. He's wanted me on heavy doses of (and I'm gonna spell this wrong) sublingual ativan, but I told him I was already nervous taking T3's -- I don't like meds so I'm not too worried, but I was severely anorexic at one point, and I worry about having an addictive personality (though I don't think I do, cause I really do have a fear of pills). But anyways, I don't think he would hurt me that way, by saying to mix the two.
I do tell him my worries. I told him that he has to forgive me because he's expecting me to change all my feelings, my entire way of thinking, in one week -- just because he announced his feelings. I said it wasn't fair. But I still say everything to him nicely -- I still care about him when I'm not afraid.
I think I'm only resisting now because I feel that everything is about to blowup in my face. I feel like he's going to leave me first, and so I'm being panicky and deviant. And incase I haven't sounded super-slutty already, I fear that I would've already acquiesed if this board wasn't part of my life. I don't think I would've thought twice -- my brain would've been like, Stop thinking, who cares, what's the point in deciding if something feels right or wrong. I mean, I still struggle with that every day. Already I'm wondering if I over-reacted. It hit me last night that I re-write stuff the exact same way as my parents (the way they are doing with my brother now). It's hard. I've been like this my whole life -- it is hard to turn off. I'm used to forgetting the past (most of it has erased anyways), not thinking of a future (because I don't feel I have one that will include anything but pain), and forgetting about the present the momment it happens. Like, you get hit...poof, It didn't happen, right? Don't worry, you're fine....[I don't think I'm explaining well]something like that anyways...oh well.
I guess I'm just saying that it will be hard to go Friday. Aside from the fact that I let others control conversations so much that I end up getting confused about what I really thought, and wanted to say, myself. I'm so intimidated by T's and Pdocs and Physicians. But she was nice and I will show up.
I'm so glad that you are all helping me. And that you know bad stuff about me and still think I'm okay. I love you all.
((((((Babblers)))))))EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:680627
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/681131.html