Posted by happyflower on July 27, 2006, at 20:37:55
First of all, I have been acting really badly lately torwards Emmy and others, I was totally lost my head, I was mean, and I am really sorry and would like to apologize to everyone for my actions. I really am not such a horrible person, even though my actions seemed like I was.
This is no excuse for my recent actions, and I feel a little afraid to say I need some support but I am really feeling so angry and so sad, I don't know what to do. I am lashing out to internent people, not anyone in my real life though which is the only good thing about it I guess.
I am scared of my mom. She has threatened to harm me in the last month and it totally has me frightened. Our family reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I am afraid she is going to drive up from out of state. I am not going to the reunion, even though I would like to, but with my mom threatening me It wouldn't be a good situtation. But she could still end up at my door and that really scary because I know she is armed and very mentally unstable. Most of you know my child abuse story, but this seems different because it isn't the past I am worried about , it is the future.I believe with my mother and the state of my marriage, I do not feel safe. I am angered with rage that it is controlling my life. I hate her, I hate being scared of her. I hate that my DH cheated on my for over a year. The only way to not be scared is if she was truely gone. Until then there will always be this scary threat of my losing my life or her killing my family and then making me suffer for it for the rest of my life. I can't do anything legally, I have already talked to my lawyer.
But I guess what is bothering me, is that I was doing so well now over the last year. I am so much stonger and living life so much better. But now I feel like I lost my safety with my DH, I could count on him to hold me until I feel safe. Now that is gone, I feel so alone and scared. I feel like that little girl who used to hide out in the woods all day from my mom until my dad would come home were I would be safe.
Maybe this is part of the steps of getting over abuse, maybe it is I am just triggered, I don't know. I haven't been exercising this week, I am not running the race on Sat. due to an heal spur, and I have been laying around watching TV (which I rarely do normally), and just crying, crying myself to sleep, I am not sleeping well, I wake up after 2 hours and can't get back to sleep. At least I am not having any nightmares the last couple of weeks. I am emotionally eating and without exercising , this is double trouble. I just feel like hibernating from everything. I don't like going to the gym because people know me there now, and they keep asking me what is wrong, or they say hey, where is that smile? This isn't someting I can tell them. So I say I am okay, just tired, which is partually true.
I do see my T tomorrow, which I am glad about. But then he is on vacation in 2 weeks, then the following week I am going on a road trip out of state with my family for a week, so if I can't get in to see my T next week, which I don't have an appointment, it will be 3 weeks without my T . I don't know what I am going to do without his support.
So I feel like I am drowning. I don't know how to get over my anger, it is so intense. I was never allowed to have anger as a child, now I feel emotions, especially the bad ones, and i don't know how to deal with it. Well I know not to let it build up so I explode. But it feels like it is built up now for weeks, and it doesn't seem to quiet down.
So I guess I dont' know why I am writing, I feel I have made a lot of enemies here on Babble, and I wasn't going to come back, but I am reaching out, but I am scared of doing so, I just don't know what else to do.
poster:happyflower
thread:671224
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/671224.html